Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Luke 2:8-14 (King James Version)

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Tomorrow, I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. And happy end of Hanukkah, as well (I hope you saved me some latkes).

My Brain Has Transformed And Rolled Out

It's here!

IT'S HERE!

The newest Transformers trailer has been released, and all I can say is that Christmas has come early, and it was in HD!

Follow the link, and you will enter a wonderful world, and then that world transformed into complete and utter awesomeness.

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers_hd.html

I linked to the high-definition trailers for obvious reasons. Waiting for this movie is for chumps. I want to see all my favourite Transformers, and hopefully the movie will have some awesome Autobot dance sequences. And a Weird Al song to go along with a kick-ass soundtrack filled with Stan Bush songs.

This is what a 26 year-old man dreams of. Transformers live action. Oh, and girls. Live action girls.

Like I Said, You're Very Fast Argyle

Argyle: Mind if we hear some tunes? (rap music) Hey, that'll work.

John McClane: No Christmas music?

Argyle: This is Christmas music.

- Die Hard, 1988

I am completely sick of every commercial and secular Christmas song out there, so I thought I'd dig up this classic, circa 1987. The next time you hear Telus' shitty monkey commercial and its background noise, or if you ever have to go to an elementary kid's Christmas concert (shudder), just think of Joseph "Run" Simmons, Darryl "DMC" McDaniels and Jay "Jam Master Jay" Mizell. Everything's going to be alright, and funky.

Word.

The Camrose Crawl '06: Evidence Gallery

The Camrose Crawl has come and gone for another year, and I think that all the crawlers involved learned some new things about themselves, gained some new insights. Grew, as people.

Yeah, that's pretty much bullshit.

But everyone did have an excellent time, and I have collected a few pictures of the event, for all to enjoy, reminice, or perhaps fill up those alcohol-induced blank spots.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/46334739@N00/

I would do a complete write up, but that would only be interesting to those who were there. That being said, I will give the Cole's Notes version of the evening:

1) Meet the group in Camrose at Alice Hotel

2) Ingest first of what could have been hundreds of beers. And one Smirnoff Ice mixed with raspberry Sour Puss.

3) Wake up fully clothed in hotel room.

And that's pretty much it. Oh, there was a plate of cactus-cut potatoes in there, and they were good. Hat's off and a big "hurray!" to Greg G for putting it all together again this year, and I certainly hope that next year's 7th Annual Crawl is just as epic and sprawling and blurry as this year's.

I Look Stupid, But I Guess I Could Look Stupider

Ugh.

Just stop, everyone.

Stop right now.

Stop with the moronic clothing that is supposed to allow adults to harken back to those care-free days of their youth. They're adults. Not children. There's something to be said for maturity, and these pajamas shout out a big "fuck you" to maturity.

Pajama City - Adult Footed Pajamas

No sane adult should wear "footed" pajamas. They're pretty much for the mentally handicapped, or those baby-fetish types. Also, they're for fucking children. Like, 4 year-olds. What's the draw, then? Well, these have a "drop seat back". Now, that's an extremely bad idea. Why? Because some numbnut is going to run around with that thing down, exposing the world to a nasty, fat, hairy ass. That's just possibly the one sight every living person could do without. Somebody is going to take the claim that "you never have to take them off" literally, and sadly, I believe that a great number of those people will be buying the "XW", or "Extra-Wide".

Sigh. Nobody wants to grow up, and now they have the perfect unitard to do that in.

Pointless Nostalgia - Part 4.0

Whoo hoo! Another trip to my favourite town - Rememberytown!

This time around, we're going to be sniffing up some fantastical treats, or rather just one treat. The big treat. Wrigley's Big Red gum. I dare you, I double-triple dare you to find a bigger, longer lasting red cinnamon gum. I'll give you a little while, because it's such a dumb dare.

Growing up in South Detroit, or more accurately, St. Albert, Alberta, Big Red was an awesome gum to purchase. Among the pantheon of chewing gum on the market at the time, Big Red was that grown-up gum that I as a kid just had to fake the fact that I hadn't brushed that day. As an impressionable young junior high student, the convenient across-the-street location of a Shell Store by my school provided me with my cinnamon fraud, and that gum was the perfect cover after a Big Bite hot dog, or a slice of pizza. Big Red didn't have had the athletic feel of "Big League Chew", or the pure, disgusting novelty of "Thrills" (side note: how is it that kid's feared having their mouths washed out with soap after swearing, but would eat this gum like it was edible gold?), but it did have a kick-ass commercial, strategically dipped in a sweet awesome sauce of terrible acting and an insanity-producing jingle:

For some reason, Big Red was portrayed as a somewhat aphrodisiac for the masses. First off, it's bigger than the leading cinnamon gum, so obviously it compliments a man's endowments. Obviously. Second, it would seem to give the chewer more confidence, more personality, and definitely more sex appeal. I certainly can attest to being more attracted to a lady once she's had a stick of gum. There's just something about the robotic jaw motion that's hypnotically erotic. There's been numerous products on the market that claim, directly or indirectly, to attract members of either sex, but this is gum. It costs about a buck or less. Believe me, the kind of gum you chew is the least of your worries.

What I really enjoy is the idea that this gum is so potent, so consuming, that no-one dares leave the side of someone who's chewing it. If your partner just popped a Big Red in their mouth, don't make any fucking plans. You've just been scheduled for a four or five-hour makeout slobber fest. That's pretty encouraging, I must say, and I may have fell for it back in my youth. Of course, I was stupider then, but we all were. Why else did we save all those "Double Bubble" comics in order to get the free beach ball or frisbee? So we could play with something after making out.

Pop culture fans, pay attention to the band member in the commercial. You may recognize him as Peter Billingsly, who played Ralphie Parker in A Christmas Story (1983), my all-time favourite Christmas movie.