Who's Who In The Mall

I'm a bit of a sadist, I suppose.

Since I currently work at a non-profit students' association, I'm not exactly making the kind of change that would make Daddy Warbucks jealous. Don't get me wrong, the association is all-kinds of awesome, particularly regarding my co-workers, and the fact that I get to plan college activities. However, "not-for-profit" translates to "what's the least we can pay you before it gets embarrassing for everyone?" Therefore, I've relegated myself to taking a part-time job in addition to my full-time job, because a) the extra money is great, and b) I really didn't want to enjoy my weekends anyways. So I took a job working as a "sales associate" for a certain satellite radio company. At West Edmonton Mall. The greatest shopping and tourist mecca in the fucking universe. Do I love the pain of not having a day off in the week? No, but I'm afraid that I might be getting used to it, only because I've found a way to keep myself entertained.

Now, contrary to what you may think, there are times when I actually like working at WEM. Probably not in the way you think, though. Sure, there are those times when I wish for sweet death, but other times, I like working there because of the swelling mass of humanity that slowly oozes its way through its consumer thoroughfares. If you have any interest in observing human behaviour, the mall is the place to watch, record and by all means, make fun of every single person there. Many people will remark at some point in their lives that "Boy, the mall was a zoo!", so in keeping with that theme, I present to you "Who's Who In The Zoo?"

The Camouflage

Do you have one piece of camouflage?

How about multiple pieces of camouflage, that when worn all at once, create one single outfit that covers you in forest green or sand tones from head to toe? If so, then you're a camo-moron, and yes, I can see you. I don't know how or why this fashion trend started, but I used to know a kid in elementary school who wore camo sweatpants and a camo hat, simply because he thought that when we played Hide-and-seek, nobody would be able to find him. We always did, because he looked stupid, and he was fat.

The Clones

The Clones are any family or couple that feels the best way to express their love for each other is by dressing the exact same way. There's nothing better than to say, "Hey, these are my bastard children, but you'd never know it, because we all look super awesome in our matching outfits", or "Honey, I'll totally wear that matching track suit, if it means that I can still see you naked, because I can't get anyone else to." This is psycho-shit, people, and it's on display all the time.

The Motorist

I don't watch auto racing, so maybe I just don't get it. However, I definitely get the Motorist. Here's a guy or gal that just loves the thrill and monotony of auto racing (more specifically, NASCAR), so much so that they want to be draped in their favourite car number or sponsor. Sometimes I want to be draped in Mountain Dew and Tide, too. The checkerflag pattern on the arms is a must. It speaks a lot to the ambitions of the individual, and their goal of one day having their arms win a race. The Motorist usually smells like KFC.


The Alberta Tuxedo

Given the nature of the economy in my province, these people are popping up in increased numbers. The Alberta Tuxedo is as blue-collar of a person as the colour they proudly sport. They work for Suncor, Syncrude, Jake's Metal Refinery and the Camrose Kodiaks. They've taken the expression "wouldn't you just love being draped in denim?" to the max. The denim says they're built tough, but the leather collar says they've got a soft heart that's unfortunately not water-resistant. The cell-phone that's always handily clipped to the waist lets everyone know that they're ready for a phone call duel, anytime fucker. Overall, they're pretty much douchebags.


The ProstiTot

Largely due to the gradual sexualization of underage individuals in today's society over the last decade, the ProstiTot is a staple of the mall scene. Young children, attempting to emulate their heroes on TV, on film or in music (Hannah Montana, Bratz, High School Musical), can be seen flocking in droves to their favourite store to get the latest in spaghetti-strap tank tops. Their screams over a recent boy-crush can be particularly nasty within hearing range, and even made more piercing on a bedazzled cell phone. They can be found having their youth raped at LaSenza Girl, or day-dreaming about being pregnant like tween patron saint Jamie-Lynn Spears.

The Fat Girl With The Small Backpack

I've got an idea: wear something that doesn't greatly emphasizes your problem. Like a really BIG backpack. Fuck.

The Last Of The Best Things Of 2007!

2007 was a crazy, super-awesome year, and there's really almost too much to cover. Good food, good friends, good conversation - you know, the usual. I pretty much covered all that was important to me, made an impact on me, or gave me a new mindgasm to wrap my mind around. There were some bad things, but who wants to remember those? I sure don't. The faster we forget, the better off we'll be.

Therefore, I'm going to stop reminiscing, and get back to what this blog was meant to do: tell you about kids' stuff.

However, I do have to give a big Rhymes With Tyler shout-out to a very special person. This person made 2007 a truly memorable one, for all the right reasons. I can assure you, dear reader, that without this person, this past year would have been knocked down a few notches on the "memorable meter".

To "BR", you have my thanks, and you have earned your place as a "Best Thing Of 2007".

Best Of Things 2007 Continued!

Continuing what I started last week, here's more 'Best Things' of 2007! Let's dive right in, preferably head first, especially with that "No Diving" sign nearby.

Best Drinking/Socializing Event (Multiple Days): COCA 2007 in Niagara Falls (June 11-16)

How can I best describe COCA (Canadian Organization of Campus Activities) 2007? Uh, blurry I guess. This year's conference (my second now), was 5 days chock-full of amazing musical artists, phenomenal sights and sounds, and sexy delegates, which may or may not have included me. Which would lend one to believe that the conference was low on looks. In any case, I would like to give a huge shout-out to Team Alberta, who stuck by each other's side while in godless Ontario. Like pilgrims in an unholy land. Big 'what-ups' to the cool people of Ontario, but only because they came from the west (that's you Christa). All in all, a very memorable time, summed up quite nicely by this:


Honorable Mention: Reading Week in Las Vegas (Feb 19-23), Houseboating in BC(Aug 26-30), Mitchapalooza (Aug 31-Sep 3).

Best Drinking/Socializing Event (Single Day): Bike 'N Wipes (August 18)

Multiple and fancy hats off to my compatriot Greg for organizing this event, comprising of 18 crazy fools and one small Alberta town. The idea was simple: take an ordinary pubcrawl and make it extraordinary, simply by choosing the bars in Bentley, Alberta, and making our transportation to the bars childrens tricycles and bicycles. The result? Unbridled hilarity the likes that have not been seen by these eyes. Camping in the abandoned lot. Big Daddy's and its hard-on for diamond-plating. The bag of tomatoes at the hotel bar. Dick Damron. The list of memories is endless. Here's a snapshot of the hilarity:


Honorable Mention: Too many to mention. Every other weekend, I suppose.

Best Youtube Video Find of 2007: Malibu.

Speaks for itself. Done. Next.

Honorable Mention: Anything with Demetri Martin, The H Is O.

Best Internet Comedy Find of 2007: Brad Neely (Super Deluxe)

In an era where sometimes "comedy" is passed of as a banal, moronic half-hour sitcom called "Back To You", at least for those of us still hurting from the cancellation of Arrested Development (I know it's been two years - it still fucking hurts!), there's Brad Neely. Nothing is sacred, and nothing should be. Nothing is low-brow, and nothing should be. Brad Neely is the little voice inside all of us that says crazy things, and makes up crazy words just for the fun of it. Except they're not entirely crazy: they're crazy awesome, with a hint of radical sauce. Example:

Honorable Mentions: Clark and Michael. And I guess "The Landlord" was pretty funny.

Next Post: Even more Best Of Things! How many more can there be?!

Tyler's Best Things Of 2007

It's January, so it's about time that we look toward the future, all shiny and new it is. A new year ahead of us, full of mystery and wonder. It's exciting, no? What's even more exciting than that? Bending an eye and focusing an ear to the year gone by, reminiscing about the things that made us giddy, wide-eyed, sometimes inebriated, dizzy with anticipation, but most of all, just happy to be fucking alive!

Here's a list of things I thought were a boatload of awesome in 2007:

BEST FILM: Grindhouse
Everyone's going to have their favourites, and I have to say that this was one of my most anticipated films of the year, and reigns king as my favourite. A double-feature of pure celluloid grime, sleaze and crazy-ass action that recall both filmmakers' (Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino) favorite exploitation films. A must see together, and with the faux-trailers attached, a movie going experience was created that I'll never forget. I mean, who could forget "Hobo With A Shotgun"?



Best Film Honorable Mentions: 300, Transformers, Knocked Up, Superbad, Hot Fuzz, Smokin' Aces, Juno, The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

BEST ALBUM: "Neon Bible" by The Arcade Fire

The independent Canadian darlings struck gold a second time, avoiding the sophomore jinx by releasing "Bible", a sonic explosion of sometimes political, sometimes prophetic anthems that one might find Springsteen creating. It spent the most time assaulting my ears this past year, and it gets due credit here. Speaking of The Boss, how can this not be the most awesome musical moment of the past year?

Best Album Honorable Mention: "Because Of The Times" by Kings Of Leon, "Ashtray Rock" by Joel Plaskett Emergency, "Buffalo Of Love" by Kill The Lights, "In Rainbows" by Radiohead, "Touch Up" by Mother Mother

Best Concert: The White Stripes (June 30, Shaw Conference Centre)

There are some concerts that you've waited years and years to see, and there's this one. I had been waiting six years to see the White Stripes in concert, and when they announced that they'd be touring Canada (and ALL of Canada, mind you - a very classy move), I just about had an aneurysm. I can say safely and without hyperbole, that the show was incredible times infinity. Here's a clip:



Best Concert Honorable Mentions: The Golden Dogs (July 19, Velvet Underground), DJ Champion (June 23, Starlite Room), DJ Mike Relm (solo - June 14, Rumours Night Club, Niagara Falls), Michael Franti and The Spearheads (August 5, Edmonton Folk Fest)

**More Best Everythings Continue Next Post!**

Happy Year 2000, plus 8!

Happy New Year to everyone!

All the best to you, and all of your friends! Try to be awesome this year. Really give it your full effort. It'll pay off in the end, believe me.