That's Enough Already, K-Tel

Do you ever watch a TV program, or see a commercial, and instantly feel immense hatred, unyielding disgust, and an almost uncharacteristic urge to put your fist or inanimate object through the screen? I do, every time I see a commercial for children's music, or rather, music sung by children. And to thank for this unbridled rage? K-Tel.

K-Tel is a Canadian-based company that was started by Philip Kives, a Saskatchewan-born entrepreneur who originally sold items like cookware, sewing machines and vacuum cleaners door-to-door and in department stores in Canada and in the US. Kives made a decent living, due to his fast-talking style which won over consumers who didn't have a moment to think about whether they wanted the product or not. Everything changed in 1962, however, when while in Winnipeg, Kives demonstrated a non-stick Teflon pan in a 5-minute program on television. With what could be the world's very first informercial, Kives was able to sell anything to a vast audience of people, and give unemployed loners something to watch at 3am. In early 1966, K-Tel began selling compilation TV records, starting with 'Twenty-Five Country Hits'. After that, K-Tel started releasing compilation albums featuring contemporary hits at an alarming rate throughout the '70's, and much of what was found in record stores were "as seen on TV!".

In 1983, Channel 4 in the UK began a series entitled, "Minipops", which consisted of cherubic pre-teens dancing and singing to pop hits of the era, and some classics. The kids were revealingly-clothed and makeup-splattered like the artists of the songs, which some viewers either found cute and innocent, or degrading, immoral and pedophile-enticing. The show was popular with kids initially, but adults found that children singing lyrics of a sexual nature to be a tad unsettling, like when five year-old Joanna Fisher covered the Sheena Easton song "9 to 5" in nightclothes and included the lyrics "we make love". That's fucking creepy. Despite ratings success, the show was cancelled quickly, and albums were soon released, with much success in Canada, where the albums were picked up and distributed by K-Tel.

Yes, my family had the first album, and yes, I listened to it. But even as a young boy, I could tell that there was something wrong with the concept. I understood at an early age that songs are sung by the original artists, because for the most part, they actually sound good. Pardon my generalization, but kids don't do anything really well. They can't really sing, they can't dance (jumping around is not dancing), and they're not funny (unless they're hurting themselves in a non-permanent way, like after jumping into something). I believe that the album's popularity stemmed from many children seeing the kids dressed up as music stars, hearing them sing, and thought that one day, that could be them. What kid doesn't like dressing up and bouncing around to music, whatever the style? Mini-Pops was a dream for some kids.

Fast-forward to present day. K-Tel has recently released the fourth album in the new incarnation of Mini Pops, Mini Pops Kids, and Kidz Bop in the States, has released 13(!) compilation albums, all featuring "today's top hits!" and "all your favourite songs!". Well, not my favourites, but probably some 13 year-old's favourites. Whereas I can accept the proliferation of albums in the US (because they love the sexualization of children, and generally everything stupid), I can't see why we accept it in Canada. But thanks to K-Tel, we are going to have album after album featuring phony-acting children butchering modern and classic pop songs. And for whose benefit? Children who are musically entering a post-Doodlebops world should be listening to the actual artists, not some pre-pubescent wannabes. Any parents who think that buying this for their kids will save them from lyrics or images that they find distasteful or inappropriate, try actually fucking parenting, instead of accepting a watered-down facsimile, because your kid is going to hear and see the original somewhere else. Kids are quite adept at downloading, so they don't need a shitty compilation CD to get the songs.

What K-Tel is doing, is telling a bunch of child actor rejects that they could be the next big thing, but in actuality, they're just getting an early start at really bad karaoke. They're going to be the ones that you see in the corner of the bar on karaoke night, singing every second song. But you're drunk, and they're serious.

K-Tel, just give it up already, and stop making me hate every kid in those commercials I see, and every song I hear them sing. I mean, I already hate all those songs, but those kids don't deserve it. Okay, that kid with the hat does. I hate that bastard.