Halloween: The 27-Day Countdown

Huzzah! It's October, and that means it's almost time for Halloween!

The countdown is now at an even 27 days until the big day. Of course, that number is strictly for the kids. The actual day of Halloween, October 31 and all its sticky-handed glee, has always been relegated to the under 13 crowd. For all the card-carrying members of the "All You Can Drink" club, the magic number is 23 or 24, depending on which day meets your fancy. This year should prove no different than any year's past, and for me, that means finding a costume of a movie character that nobody's knows, drink a whole lot, try to drunkenly tell people what my costume is, pass out somewhere still dressed in my costume, and have people hold conversations about me and what the hell I'm dressed as. I can't wait!

As we've known since we were old enough to eat and appreciate candy, Halloween is all about the costume. It really makes or breaks a great Halloween experience. It can draw admiration and an extra candy bar from even the cheapest house, or it can be a magnet for scorn, insult and trauma-inducing childhood memories. I've had some duds and I've had some winners. I went as Bart Simpson for about 5 years in a row starting in 1990, consisting of a store-bout rubber and foam mask, t-shirt and blue shorts. That was cool for one year, then it just became redundant. I delve into the repeats every other year, mostly because I'm cheap and lazy. However, the winners are awesometacular. I can remember my Darth Vader costume (pictured above, in 1983), and how sweet that dandy was. The only downside was that it was -30 C (isn't every Halloween?), and that stupid flashlight kept dropping the batteries out of itself. (Thanks for your help Dad!). Other rad costumes of mine include this one from 1984, and this from 1985. And I'm still that cute today, although maybe a bit more rugged and spiteful.

However, all the cuteness and innocence of those early years of Halloween get lost easily amid a river of cheap liquor and poor attempts at soliciting sex. When one becomes an adult, it seems that we try to pride ourselves in the creation of thought-provoking, frightening and humourous exhibits of pop-culture or anti-culture, depeding on one's initiative. More often than not, this optimism fails, and we see a plethora of costume fads based on "of the moment" TV shows or films, girls dressed as a "sexy" something (be it cop, nun, or property assessor), and an infinite truckload of pimps (mostly white people, each more idiotic than the last).

And then there's this website, www.buycostumes.com. It's a pretty large-scale costume purchase site that seems to revel in the absurd. It's "adult" costume section is rife with someone's weak attempt at being clever, funny and original. I would guess that a "cosume creation committee" dreamed up these in a brainstorming session, but all the committee members are over 40, and I would wager a bet that anyone who buys the costumes from the site are the people getting arrested on Halloween. People who buy these should be euthanized. Maybe that's too harsh - sterilization should be just fine.

This is just an example of the stupidity running rampant at this site. Somebody is going to buy a "one night stand" costume? Not fucking likely. They might as well be celibate, because no lady/dude is going to want to fuck this piece of shit.
Speaking of shit...

This is a "Bull-shit" costume. See the cleverness? See the hilarity? No, you don't, because this person is dressed up AS A PIECE OF SHIT. Again, for the record, this is a costume that is A PIECE OF SHIT, AND THIS SITE IS SELLING THEM. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop there with the "shit" theme, and I sorely wish it did. Every single "shit" saying is represented here. - "Holy Shit"
- "Tough Shit"
- "No Shit, Sherlock"
- Some flaming pile of shit
- "Poo Poo Platter". This is shit on a plate. SHIT ON A PLATE. Fucking hilarious.
- "When Shit Hits The Fan". For fuck's sake, is this over yet?

There's more, but you get the idea. For the low, low price of $40-$55, someone can look like a piece of shit for a whole evening. This is how far we've come everyone. Oh sure, you could dress up like a vampire, a cowboy, or something that your mom sewed together, but why? Spend some money and make your mother proud! Be that slutty cop, or slutty nurse. Be a piece of shit. Be the fucking pimpest pimp that ever pimped the beat. Or, if you really want to shine on the fans, be this. Or this. You've now become the coolest person EVER. And I want to kick your ass.