From The "I Don't Know What To Say" Files

Seriously, I'm speechless, but also just a little bit curious. More specifically, I'm curious about who's buying this and what is wrong with those people.

http://www.bettybeauty.com/

What an age we live in.

I agree, though. The pink would be fun.

Girl+Sexy=Costume Awesomicity

Double-clicky on the above video to view, or peep this link: Girls's Costume Wearhouse

It's going to be one hell of a weekend! I'm certainly going to hit on any female dressed up as a "Sexy 19th Century Steel Conglomerate Tycoon"! Oh baby, I reckon she'd go the whole hog, by gum! Like greased lightning! I only pray she don't take me for a soaplock, for truth!

Have a great and safe weekend everyone!

Colour Me Baddddd

http://www.bravia-advert.com/paint/thead/

70,000 litres of paint
358 single bottle bombs
33 sextuple air cluster bombs
22 Triple hung cluster bombs
268 mortars
33 Triple Mortars
22 Double mortars
358 meters of weld
330 meters of steel pipe
and 57 km of copper wire

Makes for one awesome commercial. A huge video, but definitely worth the wait for the high-res version. MUST. BUY. EXPENSIVE. TELEVISION. Wow, it works!

Trailer Watch - "300"

I've never been so amazed by a minute and a half in my life...regarding film (not any bad sexual escapades, you pervs). If you haven't seen the trailer for "300", then I truly pity you. Take it from me, this film will destroy every film that's come before it, in visuals, audio, story and everything else. And it will do it old school. Real old school. Ancient Greek school. That's old.

Set in 480 BC, the Persian king Xerxes sends his massive army to conquer Greece. The Greek city of Sparta houses its finest warriors, and 300 of these soldiers are chosen to meet the Persians at Thermopylae, engaging the soldiers in a narrow canyon where they cannot take full advantage of their numbers. The battle is a suicide mission, meant to buy time for the rest of the Greek forces to prepare for the invasion. However, that doesn't stop the Spartans from throwing their hearts into the fray, determined to take as many Persians as possible with them.

The film is based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller, whom I believe is changing the face of filmmaking for our time (see "Sin City"). What we will get is a film that will bestow upon us visual imagery the likes of which have never been seen before. Judging by the trailer, the film is apparently all in slow-motion, but that's probably for effect. The effect is the proverbial "raging sweatpants boner", but all in my mind. This film has raised the awesome bar to new awesome heights, and I'm hooked. Here's the proof:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/300/trailer1/large.html

I'd put in the youtube.com version, but this has to be seen in either HD or in a large resolution setting.

I Am A Hot Female Celebrity

God, that's a horrendous photo of me. I look like a shiny serial killer. But apparently I look more like hot female celebrities than male ones.

According to www.myheritage.com, and it's hilarious "which celebrities do I look like, but will never attain their level of fame and wealth" feature, I look most like Ronan Keating, who was an integral member of "Boyzone". Fucking awesome. That's not too bad, but what's with all the ladies? I know that I'm a fairly attractive dude, but seriously, Kim Basinger? Must be the chin. Or at least the attempt at facial hair, I'm not sure.

I'm going to assume that this site uses the latest in facial recognition technology, and the lookalikes aren't solely based on similarities in the photo (hairstyle, background, shiny foreheads, etc.). It's kind of disappointing, though. I thought that my mugshot-style picture would have warranted some dark, brooding stars of stage and screen. Nope, I got Holly Marie Combs. Oh, and Alyssa Milano. Throw in Rose McGowan or Shannon D, and I would look like the whole "Charmed" lineup. Does that turn anyone on? I'm slightly more attracted to myself right now, to be honest. Especially since I look a bit like Denise Richards. And she didn't believe me. I bet that restraining order looks pretty silly now, doesn't it Denise?

Say, That's A Delicious Channel!

If you watched any television this past holiday weekend, then most of you in the Shaw Cable nation know of a recent addition to the "static channel" lineup with which Shaw has now blessed us. That means that we now have two, TWO awesome programs that basically involve sweet continuous, day-long loops of something benign and instills in us pleasant, nostalgic feelings of either warmth or hunger, depending on the holiday. Not content with their earthshattering Christmas fireplace show, they introduced Turkey TV.

The official press release from Shaw Cable is filled with standup comedy, highlighted by the following (bold added for effect):

"This Canadian only channel will only be available to Shaw subscribers will be able to tune in to Turkey TV on Thanksgiving Day for on-going coverage of exciting turkey action.

Turkey TV will offer continuous coverage of a beautiful, roasted turkey, surrounded by fresh greens, carrots and tomatoes in an open flame forno oven. Coverage will include up to the minute bastings and exclusive stoking of the fire that will be sure to keep viewers on the edge of their seats throughout this thrilling turkey program."

Excuse me? Have we become so zombified with television that the mere image of a turkey (and all the trimmings) is considered "exciting"? Sadly, yes. Since it's on TV, we'll watch it, and watch it intently. I even caught myself a couple of times staring wistfully at the slow roasted, golden brown bird from heaven. I don't think that I was on the edge of my seat for a 24-hour looped program, but I was sitting near the edge of my bed once. Granted, Shaw Cable is going to hype their non-programming to the fullest extent, but the unintentional comedy is quite amusing. Seriously though, let's not go nuts. I really hope that families didn't gather around the old Victrola and reminice about the time they had turkey together as a family. Maybe about 4 minutes ago. Or the previous day, it really doesn't matter. Putting stupid stuff on the TV isn't a Canadian cultural phenomenon; CBC been doing it for years.

But it goes on. To quote Peter Bissonnette, President, Shaw Communications:

"With Turkey TV, Shaw customers will experience Thanksgiving like never before," said Peter Bissonnette, President, Shaw Communications. "Turkey TV is a breakthrough in holiday programming and highlights Shaw's continued efforts to provide its customers only the finest in holiday television."

Yep, an almost static image of a turkey is truly a breakthrough. A massive, fucking breakthrough that's truly going to change the way we look at TV. Since the holiday theme is big, how about Jesus getting nailed to the cross at Easter? Hey, why stop at only holidays? A man digs a hole! A bird eats some crumbs! Motherfucking wheat in a field! All looped, all fucking day! YAY! Also, we viewers get even stupider. Hot dog. How amusing is it to hear that Shaw is dedicated to the "finest in holiday television"? IT'S A FUCKING LOOPED IMAGE OF A TURKEY. Still, it's better than "The War At Home". Eat it, Michael Rappaport.

Halloween: The 27-Day Countdown

Huzzah! It's October, and that means it's almost time for Halloween!

The countdown is now at an even 27 days until the big day. Of course, that number is strictly for the kids. The actual day of Halloween, October 31 and all its sticky-handed glee, has always been relegated to the under 13 crowd. For all the card-carrying members of the "All You Can Drink" club, the magic number is 23 or 24, depending on which day meets your fancy. This year should prove no different than any year's past, and for me, that means finding a costume of a movie character that nobody's knows, drink a whole lot, try to drunkenly tell people what my costume is, pass out somewhere still dressed in my costume, and have people hold conversations about me and what the hell I'm dressed as. I can't wait!

As we've known since we were old enough to eat and appreciate candy, Halloween is all about the costume. It really makes or breaks a great Halloween experience. It can draw admiration and an extra candy bar from even the cheapest house, or it can be a magnet for scorn, insult and trauma-inducing childhood memories. I've had some duds and I've had some winners. I went as Bart Simpson for about 5 years in a row starting in 1990, consisting of a store-bout rubber and foam mask, t-shirt and blue shorts. That was cool for one year, then it just became redundant. I delve into the repeats every other year, mostly because I'm cheap and lazy. However, the winners are awesometacular. I can remember my Darth Vader costume (pictured above, in 1983), and how sweet that dandy was. The only downside was that it was -30 C (isn't every Halloween?), and that stupid flashlight kept dropping the batteries out of itself. (Thanks for your help Dad!). Other rad costumes of mine include this one from 1984, and this from 1985. And I'm still that cute today, although maybe a bit more rugged and spiteful.

However, all the cuteness and innocence of those early years of Halloween get lost easily amid a river of cheap liquor and poor attempts at soliciting sex. When one becomes an adult, it seems that we try to pride ourselves in the creation of thought-provoking, frightening and humourous exhibits of pop-culture or anti-culture, depeding on one's initiative. More often than not, this optimism fails, and we see a plethora of costume fads based on "of the moment" TV shows or films, girls dressed as a "sexy" something (be it cop, nun, or property assessor), and an infinite truckload of pimps (mostly white people, each more idiotic than the last).

And then there's this website, www.buycostumes.com. It's a pretty large-scale costume purchase site that seems to revel in the absurd. It's "adult" costume section is rife with someone's weak attempt at being clever, funny and original. I would guess that a "cosume creation committee" dreamed up these in a brainstorming session, but all the committee members are over 40, and I would wager a bet that anyone who buys the costumes from the site are the people getting arrested on Halloween. People who buy these should be euthanized. Maybe that's too harsh - sterilization should be just fine.

This is just an example of the stupidity running rampant at this site. Somebody is going to buy a "one night stand" costume? Not fucking likely. They might as well be celibate, because no lady/dude is going to want to fuck this piece of shit.
Speaking of shit...

This is a "Bull-shit" costume. See the cleverness? See the hilarity? No, you don't, because this person is dressed up AS A PIECE OF SHIT. Again, for the record, this is a costume that is A PIECE OF SHIT, AND THIS SITE IS SELLING THEM. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop there with the "shit" theme, and I sorely wish it did. Every single "shit" saying is represented here. - "Holy Shit"
- "Tough Shit"
- "No Shit, Sherlock"
- Some flaming pile of shit
- "Poo Poo Platter". This is shit on a plate. SHIT ON A PLATE. Fucking hilarious.
- "When Shit Hits The Fan". For fuck's sake, is this over yet?

There's more, but you get the idea. For the low, low price of $40-$55, someone can look like a piece of shit for a whole evening. This is how far we've come everyone. Oh sure, you could dress up like a vampire, a cowboy, or something that your mom sewed together, but why? Spend some money and make your mother proud! Be that slutty cop, or slutty nurse. Be a piece of shit. Be the fucking pimpest pimp that ever pimped the beat. Or, if you really want to shine on the fans, be this. Or this. You've now become the coolest person EVER. And I want to kick your ass.

Cut The Jibber-Jabber

Hey fools! If you don't want to be pitied, or randomly beat up, you'll check out these check-outs! It's a Mr. T kind of day, all day, everyday. Twice on Sundays, even. Believe that!