From Niagara With Love

Alright, so I lied.

I do lie sometimes, not about people, but about things I've done or not done. Not because I get a kick out of it, or that it's a product of anything pathological, but merely because I sometimes raise people's expectations fraudulently. Much like the father that says he's going to take his son fishing, but then can't because he's too hungover and the car's upside down in the parking lot of the Save-On Foods. I sometimes talk some big game, but fail to deliver.

So here we are. I had this great plan to write this huge post about my week-long trip to Niagara Falls for the Canadian Organization of Campus Activities (COCA) Conference that was going to be chock-full of scintillating adventures, hilarious high-jinks and tom-foolery the likes have never been seen in that town, ever. I was going to have pictures, hilarious analogies, and hyphenated words that aren't really used anymore, because they sound so stupid, like "tom-foolery". It was going to be such a feast for the eyes and brain, that you, the reader, would have nothing left to do in life but send me kudos after kudos. You'd send me kudos until that imaginary kudos limit had been reached, and you'd sit down wherever you feel most comfortable, and have this funny satisfied look on your face, and mutter, "now that's giving some fucking kudos!".

And I would have accepted your kudos with great appreciation until my ego would be so large that it would take TWO dump trucks of pride to follow me wherever I went. However, hubris is a cruel mistress, and I was quickly brought back to humilitytown with a realization as cold as the waters of the very falls I visited (I think they were cold, anyway): I HATE journal posts. I personally think that nobody really gives two shits about what I did, where I went, or how much urine I may accidentally consume in a day. It wasn't ever the point of my blog to begin with (I think the original point of creating this thing was to give me an excuse to write about obscure cartoons, but I've broadened my horizons some). So all that being said, I've decided not to write what would basically amount to a COCA report, but instead write a Top-Things list, that being the most creative and original thing I can think of at the moment. I totally invented the Top-Things list, by the way. That, and the game "7-Up". True story.

So without further unnecessary ranting, here's my "Top 10 Things Seen In Niagara Falls At The COCA Conference". *Applause*.

10. The Beer Store. This is something completely foreign to somebody from the west, where liquor stores here have had the government's leash removed, and they're free to roam around and play with other liquor stores. Apparently, we haven't come up with the completely sane idea that to combine a beer store with a bottle depot is greatest idea since the Magic Bullet. One stop beer shopping and 3-second muffins are changing the fucking world. Believe that.

9. Two strip clubs next door to each other. Oh, your gentleman's club doesn't take grease-stained rolls of loonies for my three-lady lap dance sandwich? You object to my raging sweatpants boner? Then sir, I will tuck my manhood into my waistband, and take my business next door, where they know how to treat a man who recently bathed in gutter run-off.

8. $4.50 water bottles in my hotel room. Sure, this may not seem like an awesome thing, but while drunk, I opened one up. It makes the list, because it confirms two things: one, water is getting really expensive, and two, I'm pretty stupid.

7. The pyramid Hooters restaurant. "X-Treme Action Entertainment" is exactly how I'd describe this Hooters. The exact same promise is on the Giza pyramids in Egypt. True story.

6. Sneaking tall cans of beer into a hotel ballroom banquet. If the liquor prices are going to be really expensive, then by all means, one should take matters into their own hands. We're not mad at the hotel for scolding us for bringing in outside liquor, we're actually amazed that they did it after we finished them. And thanks to them for taking away our empties while we drank. Double-plus service!

5. This gas station. Contrary to what one might think, one cannot just collect beaver at a gas station on a whim. You at least have to be attractive.

4. 30+ bands/artists performing in 5 days. If you were at the conference, and you saw every band and artist, you get a huge, electric high-five from me. High-fives cannot be redeemed for cash.

3. DJ Mike Relm. This guy invokes mindgasms. Pure, unadulterated, aneurysmic mindgasms.

2. Girls in fedoras.

1. Marineland. It's really going for a different demographic these days.

If anyone from COCA reads this (that would be a miracle), do you have any other notable notables? Jot them down in the comments section. It's safe, and it's sexy.