I Can Feel The Warmth Through My Television

An email from a friend of mine, Rich Laffin, prompted the following exchange today:

From Rich:

Hey Tylers, Just wanted to make sure you both knew the fire channel on shaw is back. It's a awesome as ever, too bad it's not in HD. Richie

From Tyler:

!!!

I have been watching it intently ever since Remembrance Day, I believe. I read somewhere that SHAW Cable wanted to honour the heroes of the wars by completely revamping the holiday fireplace loop. It is spellbinding. The ever-changing setup, the mysterious hand that pokes and prods the fire with his/her fire poker-prodder. It is truly a wonder. I have numerous hours already on tape so that I may relive it's glory forever, or until I'm persecuted for my continued belief in the god "VHS".

We have reached a zenith in humanity, my brethren.

Yours in mediocrity,

Tyler

As some of you Edmontonians, general Albertans, or anyone who read my last blog update may already know, Shaw Cable initiated the 24/7 loop of the Fireplace last week. This loop (on Channel 11 for those in the capital city) consists of a one-hour-plus loop of a fireplace in all its fiery glory. The hisses, the cracks, the pops, and even the snaps are all dutifully included in this audio-visual televison legend. This lazily-programmed channel will be shown until January 20th, which is a damn long time. I'm certainly worried about all of the Shaw Digital Previews I'm going to miss. I'll never know what's happening right now on Animal Planet, or who won the crucial 1997 playoff series between the Blues and the Red Wings. However, all my hand-wringing is for a good cause! Because over two months of sweet, flaming goodness will be at every cable owner's fingertips. It is truly great to be alive! As noted in several Edmonton media stories, "the blockbuster log is back".

Yes, the "blockbuster" is indeed back. In 1986, and every year thereafter, someone at Shaw Cable sets up a camera and tapes a fireplace for the most exciting and titillation footage not seen since the OJ Simpson police chase or the 1972 Munich Olympic hostage crisis. I mean this is a natural, roaring fireplace. This isn't your sissy natural gas fireplace, or some shitty drawing of a fireplace that your son/daughter did, and you had to put it on the fridge, lest you hear their whining for the next two months. And they drew the fireplace green with blue fire. And there's a unicorn in there, or what should be a unicorn. It could be a potato with triangles for all you know.

If you've ever had company over for Christmas, and you've got everything laid out for a super-awesome party, you know why this channel is there. You've got family, or good friends or just people you met at the bus station coming over for Christmas cheer. You've got some liquor, some egg nog, some quick edibles like little cheese cubes, some cut pieces of a ham sausage, and maybe some crackers, like "Sociables". You've got some generic Christmas music playing in the background, which might be Roy Orbison's Christmas Special, or God-forbid, "Christmas Album" by Boney M. You're all dressed up in some Christmas-themed sweater or dress-type getup. The tree is alit with wonderful lights, and retarded decorations collected through the years, some of which you once thought were "cute", "adorable" or "cheap".

There's a TV in the room. It's just there, taking up valuable folding chair space. What do you do? The answer's simple, and you can thank Shaw Cable for it. Simply turn on the Christmas firelog, and you'll have a wondrous distraction from the aunt that always gets drunk and throws up in the toilet by the back door, or the grandpa that always yells, and is somewhat racist.

So please, this holiday/Christmas season, take a few minutes and truly appreciate the simple pleasure that is the Shaw TV fireplace. I think you'll be glad you did.