Last Day Of Work

Today has been my last day of work. In a couple hours, I will no longer be an employee of the Students' Association of Grant MacEwan College. It has been an incredibly entertaining 27 months, and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything - I'm just trading up. As of Monday, I begin a new position with the Edmonton Sun, one to which I am very excited, mostly because I grew weary of my SA position. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the organization, or the people or the 70% female campus (no straight male ever gets tired of that), it was just my job lacked passion. And interest. And excitement. I just wasn't suited for advertising sales, and classy begging, aka student organization sponsorship.

So I'm out. And I've been having a very relaxed last day. A late morning, a great lunch, and a slow afternoon. Since this blog isn't a journal blog, I should probably throw in some relevant pop-culture references, so let's take a look at some last days of work in film. Are they great last days? Perhaps. Are they at least filled with an overly dramatic high-pitched musical score? You bet.



The Pledge (2001)

A girl's body is found during homicide detective Jerry Black's (Jack Nicholson) surprise retirement party. He pledges to find the killer for the family, because that's what good cops do - they swear to solve crimes after they've retired, because what else are they going to do? Sean Penn directs, and does a pretty good job of making Nicholson limit his sunglasses-wearing and cease making those scary, smiling clown faces he always seems to have ready for court-side Laker game appearances. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would pledge to forget that I ever saw Diane Keaton naked.



Falling Down (1993)

Another retiring cop on his last day, Martin Prendergast (Robert Duvall) rushes to track down an unemployed, divorced engineer (Michael Douglas), who violently snaps during a day where nothing seems to be going right. I think we've all been in similar situation: bad day at work, morons driving on the road, gas prices too high, no good popsicles to buy at the grocery store, etc. But we don't get guns and shoot up shit. This is Canada. We just talk down to every one we see in a very patronizing passive-aggressive tone. We don't get violent, we just become assholes.



Snakes On A Plane (2006)

Julianna Marguiles is a flight attendant on her last day of work, when all hell breaks loose. An assassin attempts to kill a murder witness by releasing a crate-full of deadly snakes when the plane is airborne. Only Samuel L. Jackson can save the day. Enough ridicule has been thrown at this movie already, so I'll spare you that tripe. Some thoughts, though: I believe that Julianna Marguiles has the record for most acting projects in which the title pretty much sums it up. Along with Snakes on Plane, she's been in Traveller, Dinosaur, The Big Day and Ghost Ship. What could these be about? It's a puzzler.



Clerks II (2006)

Ten years after Clerks, Dante and Randall are still mired in dead-end jobs, this time at a fast-food restaurant. To get out of his rut, Dante wants to move away with his girlfriend, and just has one last day at work beforehand. Naturally, in order to have a movie at all, things must happen, which writers call a "plot", with side orders of "rising action", squirts of "conflict" and a juicy "climax" which isn't as sexy as it sounds. The plot for me today involved the dangerous turning on of my computer, the tense struggle to pack up my personal belongings, and the heart-warming denouement, which involves me looking back at my office with a look of soft, self-satisfaction, mouthing some cliched departing sentiment, and turning out the lights.

To all my friends and coworkers at the SA,

Good night, and good luck.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Strolling around the internets today yielded a few videos of great interest. That interest turned into squeals of glee and unbridled giddyness. And I'm at my office. Kind of embarrassing, I have to say.

The first video is the trailer for what should definitely be next year's geek wank-fest, Watchmen. Arguably the greatest graphic novel of all time (although one can make a case for Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room), this film adaptation is being helmed by Zack Snyder, the man who brought us the ass-kicking, dialogue-screaming, almost permanent slow motion 300. Will Watchmen have the same level of "oh SHIT!" scenes that 300 had? Will it also almost be filmed entirely in slow-mo? Will I be able to repeat killer lines of dialogue ad naseum after the film has ended, much to the annoyance of my friends and co-workers? I hope so. For the HD version, check it out here. High-definition equals ten times as mind-melting.

Next, I have the first teaser trailer for Terminator Salvation. If you recall, I posted about Christian Bale's involvment, and how fucking incredible it is for him to be on board. And for the next few films in the franchise, no less. This trailer just gets the fanboy in me frantically jittery, like the ADHD kid who's gorged on the bulk candy at Safeway while weekend mom is busy reading self-help magazines. I'm all a-tingle. Have a look!



Finally, I have the trailer for American Ninja. Why? Because they don't make movies like this anymore, and this is fucking awesome. Michael Dudikoff for the win, people. If anyone can defeat "the secret Black Star Army", it's him. He was in TRON.

That's Enough Already, K-Tel

Do you ever watch a TV program, or see a commercial, and instantly feel immense hatred, unyielding disgust, and an almost uncharacteristic urge to put your fist or inanimate object through the screen? I do, every time I see a commercial for children's music, or rather, music sung by children. And to thank for this unbridled rage? K-Tel.

K-Tel is a Canadian-based company that was started by Philip Kives, a Saskatchewan-born entrepreneur who originally sold items like cookware, sewing machines and vacuum cleaners door-to-door and in department stores in Canada and in the US. Kives made a decent living, due to his fast-talking style which won over consumers who didn't have a moment to think about whether they wanted the product or not. Everything changed in 1962, however, when while in Winnipeg, Kives demonstrated a non-stick Teflon pan in a 5-minute program on television. With what could be the world's very first informercial, Kives was able to sell anything to a vast audience of people, and give unemployed loners something to watch at 3am. In early 1966, K-Tel began selling compilation TV records, starting with 'Twenty-Five Country Hits'. After that, K-Tel started releasing compilation albums featuring contemporary hits at an alarming rate throughout the '70's, and much of what was found in record stores were "as seen on TV!".

In 1983, Channel 4 in the UK began a series entitled, "Minipops", which consisted of cherubic pre-teens dancing and singing to pop hits of the era, and some classics. The kids were revealingly-clothed and makeup-splattered like the artists of the songs, which some viewers either found cute and innocent, or degrading, immoral and pedophile-enticing. The show was popular with kids initially, but adults found that children singing lyrics of a sexual nature to be a tad unsettling, like when five year-old Joanna Fisher covered the Sheena Easton song "9 to 5" in nightclothes and included the lyrics "we make love". That's fucking creepy. Despite ratings success, the show was cancelled quickly, and albums were soon released, with much success in Canada, where the albums were picked up and distributed by K-Tel.

Yes, my family had the first album, and yes, I listened to it. But even as a young boy, I could tell that there was something wrong with the concept. I understood at an early age that songs are sung by the original artists, because for the most part, they actually sound good. Pardon my generalization, but kids don't do anything really well. They can't really sing, they can't dance (jumping around is not dancing), and they're not funny (unless they're hurting themselves in a non-permanent way, like after jumping into something). I believe that the album's popularity stemmed from many children seeing the kids dressed up as music stars, hearing them sing, and thought that one day, that could be them. What kid doesn't like dressing up and bouncing around to music, whatever the style? Mini-Pops was a dream for some kids.

Fast-forward to present day. K-Tel has recently released the fourth album in the new incarnation of Mini Pops, Mini Pops Kids, and Kidz Bop in the States, has released 13(!) compilation albums, all featuring "today's top hits!" and "all your favourite songs!". Well, not my favourites, but probably some 13 year-old's favourites. Whereas I can accept the proliferation of albums in the US (because they love the sexualization of children, and generally everything stupid), I can't see why we accept it in Canada. But thanks to K-Tel, we are going to have album after album featuring phony-acting children butchering modern and classic pop songs. And for whose benefit? Children who are musically entering a post-Doodlebops world should be listening to the actual artists, not some pre-pubescent wannabes. Any parents who think that buying this for their kids will save them from lyrics or images that they find distasteful or inappropriate, try actually fucking parenting, instead of accepting a watered-down facsimile, because your kid is going to hear and see the original somewhere else. Kids are quite adept at downloading, so they don't need a shitty compilation CD to get the songs.

What K-Tel is doing, is telling a bunch of child actor rejects that they could be the next big thing, but in actuality, they're just getting an early start at really bad karaoke. They're going to be the ones that you see in the corner of the bar on karaoke night, singing every second song. But you're drunk, and they're serious.

K-Tel, just give it up already, and stop making me hate every kid in those commercials I see, and every song I hear them sing. I mean, I already hate all those songs, but those kids don't deserve it. Okay, that kid with the hat does. I hate that bastard.

Happy 141st Birthday Canada!

We all go out

Then we all come home

But I fall asleep with the TV on

At 3 AM they play "O Canada"

True patriot love and lalalalala

True patriot love and lalalalala

True patriot love and lalalalala

True patriot love

- "True Patriot Love", Joel Plaskett Emergency

Happy Canada Day everyone!