The Eleven Worst Things We're Doing On Facebook

I've been a Facebook user for over two years now, and I can honestly say that it's probably going to soon replace the television as the one technological "device" that parents will warn their children about. Not that it will make your eyes bad if you use it too often, or that kids will learn bad behavioural traits by emulating what they see, but rather that they will become stupider while using Facebook.

My mom always used to warn my sister and I that we shouldn't watch too much TV, but instead go outside or read more. Mostly, she just wanted us to help out with household duties instead of watching cartoons. She held firm to the belief that we'd slowly become "as dumb as a bag of hammers" as we got older if we continued to be obsessed by television. Thankfully, my mom was incorrect in her assertion, but at least her intentions were sincere. I know that what my mom really wanted us to do was to break away from the vice-like grip of the picture tube and really understand the world around us (somehow helping out around the house did this, I guess). Mom knew that eventually, if we couldn't associate with anything outside the realm of even a lowly sitcom, then we were doomed to become what TV panders to the most: the lowest common denominator. When one occupies their time with a sole medium, it stands to reason that the worst of that medium slowly becomes the standard. Eventually, TV will no longer be able to provide the viewer with the best all the time, so gradually, the worst becomes the best. People who watch so much TV will watch just about anything at a point, no matter how contrived or retarded it is (hence, The Hills).

And that's what Facebook has become. So many people use it constantly and religiously, that stupid things or behaviours that they may have avoided when they first starting using, now have become the normal routine. The worst has become the standard.

Here are the Eleven Worst Things We're Doing On Facebook. And when I say "we're", I mostly mean "you're". You're doing them mostly because you're lazy, but also because you're not really thinking that much on Facebook anyways. I'm doing pretty well, even for being an idiot.

11. "Confirming", but not attending

Everyone has been invited to about a billion and one things, and nobody cares anymore about any event they don't have a vested interest in. So what do we do? We confirm our attendance with no intention of attending. What does that do? Inflates the potential attendance numbers and gets the host all excited. If you're doing this, stop. You're being a jerk, and making the host feel sad (and pathetic).

10. Inviting everybody to everything

An alternate version of number 10 is people who invite everyone on their friends list to every event, regardless of where their friends live. Guess what, Mensa candidates, I don't live in Toronto, or BC or anywhere else. I live in Edmonton. That means I'll probably only attend things in Edmonton (to be fair, I probably won't attend some Edmonton things if I have to drive far). So stop inviting me to things like your "Struggling Student Art Fair and Luncheon" in Winnipeg. I'm not fucking going.

9. Actually reading the ads on the right sidebar

If you're at a point where the ads on the right are actually becoming interesting or perhaps worth doing, you're getting stupider. "28 Year Old Millionaire"? "New Workout Secrets"? "Get A Hot Girlfriend/Meet Women With Money"? Ooh, these sound great! I'm sure the last one really works. I'm sure I'd love to tell people that I met my girlfriend through a Facebook ad, or that a really rich woman resorted to FB as a dating service. How many of these ads are really fronts for prostitution, I wonder.

8. Poking people

Are you still doing this? Stop it. Now. Send a message, lazy. This needs to be removed, like the way "giving gifts" was taken out. All this proves is that you can continue performing a monotonous task. Monkeys can complete monotonous tasks. Hell, even mice can.

7. Tagging a picture, which has the back of someone's head

Pretty self-explanatory. Thanks for the photo tag of my back side. It totally proves that I was at that event/activity, but doesn't prove that you like me enough to ask me to pose for a picture face-forwards.

6. The Living Social application

We've all grown up on music video countdown shows, top ten lists and likes and dislikes on our yearbooks. We love rating things and letting everyone else know what we love or hate with a blind passion. However, the Living Social app is fucking clogging up my homepage! Nobody cares what your "top five Hilary Duff films" are. Someone explain to me what the Living Social application is doing that our "Info" section isn't doing? Huh? I guess it doesn't let you proclaim what you hate, and we love letting people know the "5 worst countries to live in"! Take that Haiti!

5. Posting a viral video months after it was popular

Yes, I posted "Jizz In My Pants", but I did it the week it came out last December. You posted it last week. We all love viral videos, but they're viral for a reason: Everybody on the planet has seen it, gotten an email about it or dreamt about it. You're not awesome because you can paste a Youtube link. Chances are that when you post a video, 20% of your friends already did it weeks ago. Sadly, that means you lose.

4. Becoming a fan of something obvious or idiotic

These are getting out of hand, and incredibly retarded. "Amy is a fan of sleeping" REALLY AMY? You're a fan of sleeping? Hot fucking damn! So am I! Let's be friends forever! And you're also a fan of eating! Woah! That's so awesome, because I thought I was the only one. Be a fan of bands, movies, etc. Don't be a fan of living, because that's pretty damn obvious.

3. Saying you "like" this

This is one of the dumbest additions to Facebook, yet it's popularity seems to have overcome its stupidity. The problem is that too many people are just clicking "like this" because they have nothing of value to contribute. They are bereft of any intelligent comment. "John had an amazing night tonight!" Rick likes this. What the hell are you liking, Rick? There are no details there. "Susan posted a link - Thousands of refugees flee war-torn Thailand" Jane likes this. You're fucking sick, Jane.

2. Bad spelling, grammar and internet lingo
Does anyone actually look at what they type before they hit enter? Ever? What are you, five? Spelling and grammar can't be stressed enough, and you hear everyone complain about it (whether they're culprits or not), but it's still happening. Things like mistaking "your" and "you're", "to" and "too" and "they're", "their" and "there". Misspelling words like "definately" and "rediculus". Using "lol" after every fucking thing you say, like you're some delirious lunatic (really, are you actually laughing out loud all the time?). Stop contributing to the dumbing down of the internet. It doesn't need your help.

1. The Status Update/"What's On Your Mind"

The worst thing that you're doing on Facebook is what was once the status update bar. It seems that our lives have become so mundane, so banal, that even the simplest and most innocuous are supposed to be interesting to your friends. A sub-list of the worst status updates:

- status-baiting (Sam is excited! EXCITED FOR WHAT, SAM? WHY WON'T YOU TELL US?)
- counting down from too many days out (Jack can't wait for Mexico! Only 108 days away! Ooh! I'm excited for you too, Jack! Three and a half months from now, I'll be really jealous. In the meantime, I'll try to care)
- inspirational updates (If you write one after a tough day to lift up your spirits, sure. If you're writing one every day, you're a douchebag and nobody likes you).
- some random shit nobody understands (Julia peeps ur kewl bandies. What the fuck does that even mean?)
- what you're doing right now! (Matt is eating beans. Melissa is watching House. Thanks for the updates, dickwads. Scintillating stuff)

Basically, use the "what's on your mind" bar to tell people what's on your mind. Don't bore everyone with the stupid everyday details. That's what Twitter's for.

Facebook was designed to get people in touch with one another, much like the early televisions did. But now, we're way past that. We're now so caught up with the apparent need to be on Facebook, that we've thrown out any of the original goals. Facebook has de-evolved into a haven for the lazy, the thoughtless and the uninspired. Facebook has seen it's glory days, and now they're over. All we can really do now is look at other people's pictures, maybe quote a song every now and then, write a short piece about whatever, and just make fun of everything and everyone. You're supposed to be using Facebook to impress people, not facilitating their ridicule of you.