The Eleven Worst Things We're Doing On Facebook

I've been a Facebook user for over two years now, and I can honestly say that it's probably going to soon replace the television as the one technological "device" that parents will warn their children about. Not that it will make your eyes bad if you use it too often, or that kids will learn bad behavioural traits by emulating what they see, but rather that they will become stupider while using Facebook.

My mom always used to warn my sister and I that we shouldn't watch too much TV, but instead go outside or read more. Mostly, she just wanted us to help out with household duties instead of watching cartoons. She held firm to the belief that we'd slowly become "as dumb as a bag of hammers" as we got older if we continued to be obsessed by television. Thankfully, my mom was incorrect in her assertion, but at least her intentions were sincere. I know that what my mom really wanted us to do was to break away from the vice-like grip of the picture tube and really understand the world around us (somehow helping out around the house did this, I guess). Mom knew that eventually, if we couldn't associate with anything outside the realm of even a lowly sitcom, then we were doomed to become what TV panders to the most: the lowest common denominator. When one occupies their time with a sole medium, it stands to reason that the worst of that medium slowly becomes the standard. Eventually, TV will no longer be able to provide the viewer with the best all the time, so gradually, the worst becomes the best. People who watch so much TV will watch just about anything at a point, no matter how contrived or retarded it is (hence, The Hills).

And that's what Facebook has become. So many people use it constantly and religiously, that stupid things or behaviours that they may have avoided when they first starting using, now have become the normal routine. The worst has become the standard.

Here are the Eleven Worst Things We're Doing On Facebook. And when I say "we're", I mostly mean "you're". You're doing them mostly because you're lazy, but also because you're not really thinking that much on Facebook anyways. I'm doing pretty well, even for being an idiot.

11. "Confirming", but not attending

Everyone has been invited to about a billion and one things, and nobody cares anymore about any event they don't have a vested interest in. So what do we do? We confirm our attendance with no intention of attending. What does that do? Inflates the potential attendance numbers and gets the host all excited. If you're doing this, stop. You're being a jerk, and making the host feel sad (and pathetic).

10. Inviting everybody to everything

An alternate version of number 10 is people who invite everyone on their friends list to every event, regardless of where their friends live. Guess what, Mensa candidates, I don't live in Toronto, or BC or anywhere else. I live in Edmonton. That means I'll probably only attend things in Edmonton (to be fair, I probably won't attend some Edmonton things if I have to drive far). So stop inviting me to things like your "Struggling Student Art Fair and Luncheon" in Winnipeg. I'm not fucking going.

9. Actually reading the ads on the right sidebar

If you're at a point where the ads on the right are actually becoming interesting or perhaps worth doing, you're getting stupider. "28 Year Old Millionaire"? "New Workout Secrets"? "Get A Hot Girlfriend/Meet Women With Money"? Ooh, these sound great! I'm sure the last one really works. I'm sure I'd love to tell people that I met my girlfriend through a Facebook ad, or that a really rich woman resorted to FB as a dating service. How many of these ads are really fronts for prostitution, I wonder.

8. Poking people

Are you still doing this? Stop it. Now. Send a message, lazy. This needs to be removed, like the way "giving gifts" was taken out. All this proves is that you can continue performing a monotonous task. Monkeys can complete monotonous tasks. Hell, even mice can.

7. Tagging a picture, which has the back of someone's head

Pretty self-explanatory. Thanks for the photo tag of my back side. It totally proves that I was at that event/activity, but doesn't prove that you like me enough to ask me to pose for a picture face-forwards.

6. The Living Social application

We've all grown up on music video countdown shows, top ten lists and likes and dislikes on our yearbooks. We love rating things and letting everyone else know what we love or hate with a blind passion. However, the Living Social app is fucking clogging up my homepage! Nobody cares what your "top five Hilary Duff films" are. Someone explain to me what the Living Social application is doing that our "Info" section isn't doing? Huh? I guess it doesn't let you proclaim what you hate, and we love letting people know the "5 worst countries to live in"! Take that Haiti!

5. Posting a viral video months after it was popular

Yes, I posted "Jizz In My Pants", but I did it the week it came out last December. You posted it last week. We all love viral videos, but they're viral for a reason: Everybody on the planet has seen it, gotten an email about it or dreamt about it. You're not awesome because you can paste a Youtube link. Chances are that when you post a video, 20% of your friends already did it weeks ago. Sadly, that means you lose.

4. Becoming a fan of something obvious or idiotic

These are getting out of hand, and incredibly retarded. "Amy is a fan of sleeping" REALLY AMY? You're a fan of sleeping? Hot fucking damn! So am I! Let's be friends forever! And you're also a fan of eating! Woah! That's so awesome, because I thought I was the only one. Be a fan of bands, movies, etc. Don't be a fan of living, because that's pretty damn obvious.

3. Saying you "like" this

This is one of the dumbest additions to Facebook, yet it's popularity seems to have overcome its stupidity. The problem is that too many people are just clicking "like this" because they have nothing of value to contribute. They are bereft of any intelligent comment. "John had an amazing night tonight!" Rick likes this. What the hell are you liking, Rick? There are no details there. "Susan posted a link - Thousands of refugees flee war-torn Thailand" Jane likes this. You're fucking sick, Jane.

2. Bad spelling, grammar and internet lingo
Does anyone actually look at what they type before they hit enter? Ever? What are you, five? Spelling and grammar can't be stressed enough, and you hear everyone complain about it (whether they're culprits or not), but it's still happening. Things like mistaking "your" and "you're", "to" and "too" and "they're", "their" and "there". Misspelling words like "definately" and "rediculus". Using "lol" after every fucking thing you say, like you're some delirious lunatic (really, are you actually laughing out loud all the time?). Stop contributing to the dumbing down of the internet. It doesn't need your help.

1. The Status Update/"What's On Your Mind"

The worst thing that you're doing on Facebook is what was once the status update bar. It seems that our lives have become so mundane, so banal, that even the simplest and most innocuous are supposed to be interesting to your friends. A sub-list of the worst status updates:

- status-baiting (Sam is excited! EXCITED FOR WHAT, SAM? WHY WON'T YOU TELL US?)
- counting down from too many days out (Jack can't wait for Mexico! Only 108 days away! Ooh! I'm excited for you too, Jack! Three and a half months from now, I'll be really jealous. In the meantime, I'll try to care)
- inspirational updates (If you write one after a tough day to lift up your spirits, sure. If you're writing one every day, you're a douchebag and nobody likes you).
- some random shit nobody understands (Julia peeps ur kewl bandies. What the fuck does that even mean?)
- what you're doing right now! (Matt is eating beans. Melissa is watching House. Thanks for the updates, dickwads. Scintillating stuff)

Basically, use the "what's on your mind" bar to tell people what's on your mind. Don't bore everyone with the stupid everyday details. That's what Twitter's for.

Facebook was designed to get people in touch with one another, much like the early televisions did. But now, we're way past that. We're now so caught up with the apparent need to be on Facebook, that we've thrown out any of the original goals. Facebook has de-evolved into a haven for the lazy, the thoughtless and the uninspired. Facebook has seen it's glory days, and now they're over. All we can really do now is look at other people's pictures, maybe quote a song every now and then, write a short piece about whatever, and just make fun of everything and everyone. You're supposed to be using Facebook to impress people, not facilitating their ridicule of you.

True Patriot Love - Part One

I'd like to introduce a new feature here on Rhymes With Tyler - True Patriot Love. Each feature of TPL will focus on a piece of pop culture history that's purely Canadian, or at least has a strong Canadian tie. From The Raccoons and Canada Dry Cranberry Ginger Ale, to Test Pattern and Video & Arcade Top Ten, I'll be writing about true pop culture Canadiana. Which is basically whatever I watched on Canadian TV or ate in my formative pop culture years (1985-1996). Truth be told, I always get a sense of patriotic pride whenever I see or read about these things, and I'm hoping so will you.

I wrote a pilot article last July entitled "That's Enough Already, K-Tel", which was my rant about K-Tel, the Canadian record compilation and shitty product peddling giant. K-Tel pretty much ran a monopoly on record compilations from the 1970's on, churning out album after album with no regard for human auditory misery. Their iron grip on the industry loosened a bit with the efforts of one man. Nay, one incredibly awesome British DJ! Chris Sheppard!

Alright, he wasn't actually a Brit, but damn if his fake accent didn't throw you off. Chris Sheppard was actually a leading figure in the Canadian dance music scene from the 80's to the end of the 90's, and he was an omnipresent force in the record industry in this country. I mean, it seemed for a while that there wasn't a week that went by that didn't have a new Chris Sheppard complation album come out. Destination Dance Floor, Club Cutz, Groove Station and my personal favourite, Pirate Radio Sessions. All with volumes 1 through a fucking billion. Every time I'd watch MuchMusic, there he'd be in the commercial break, with some new album we just had to buy, or else. After a while, it just got sad. I could almost predict the next commercial would be him saying something like "Chris Sheppard's Bunch of Tunes with Annoying Bass Lines and Stupid Chicks Singing The Same Shitty Chorus! Volume 32! Buy my album! I'm living in a trailer!" This commercial is the icing on the cake - Chris Sheppard in his heyday. I can't believe that he stated, without hyperbole, that that particular compilation is the best compilation in music history! Craaaaaazy! It did have The Real McCoy on it, I suppose.

Seriously, though, what was up with that accent? Years have gone by, and all I can think about when someone says "Hey dork, remember Chris Sheppard?", is his accent. Check out this video, and then this one. Did he honestly have that accent for his "persona"? People hate it when other people talk in accents that suck, for no reason other than to get attention, or that it makes them laugh. I used to work with a guy who'd start talking in some shitty British-Scottish-Douche mix, and I honestly wanted him to fall into a vat of corrosive industrial chemicals. Kind of like the chemicals the Joker fell into, but instead of creating a criminal mastermind, they'd just disinegrate skin and bone. Nobody EVER likes a fake accent. Faking a Swedish accent to make fun of customers in IKEA? Ok, sure. Faking an obnoxious French accent at a party with cute girls? No dice, moron.

Chris Sheppard has since retired and is living in Toronto, but even though I never bought or listened to any of his albums, be it a compilation, a BKS or Love Inc. album, he has a place in true pop culture Canadiana. For his stupid accent, his mind-numbing albums and that annoying "Broken Bones" song I had to hear 8 billion times at the bar, Chris Sheppard, you have earned some True Patriot Love.

Pointless Nostalgia 8: Snack Fruit Is Always The Sweetest

No, the picture to the left is not of a character from Alien Nation. Nor is it a vampire that's just been stabbed with a vial of the anticoagulant EDTA by Blade. Nope, it's just some kid that's had an extreme reaction to a lunchtime treat, and from the looks of it, a bad allergic reaction.

This edition of Pointless Nostalgia brings us back to school, and more specifically, the lunch hour we always looked forward to while there. While we were incarcerated in our provincially-sponsored educational jails, the few times we had to have a little fun on our own were cherished as the temporal treasures they were. From kindergarten to Grade 9, recess (short or long), gym class (for the athletic) or field trips (fun ones, not educational ones) provided a much needed respite to allow kids to be kids, that is, act stupid. Lunch was another one of those treasured times, but it wasn't the kids who got to act stupid. It was the parents. The parents who packed their kids' lunches.

Today I had to pop into Safeway to pick up a few things, when I found myself wandering aimlessly, as I often do at Safeway (there's just so much to look at!). I really like to watch people in all their grocery shopping glory and make internal comments about their choices. Mostly, I try to mentally urge overweight people to put away the 24-packs of pop. That's packs, as in many more than one. After catching a glimpse of an attractive lady, I stumbled into the aisle that had some nutritious things, like bran bars and other stuff that tastes like flavoured nut and particle board. In amongst the healthy and tasty snack façade, I saw something I thought went the way of Gene Siskel.

Gushers were still being made? And people were still buying this shit?

For the uninitiated, Gushers are one of many "fruit" snacks that claimed to be a good substitute for candy in children's lunches or any time that kids clamoured for a sugary treat. While it may be true that the snack contained Vitamin C (25% of the daily recommended, in fact), basically it was candy, just in a different form. Looking at this nutritional panel, one pack contained 13 grams of sugar. Sure, they're not Dunkaroos, but come on. If any parent bought these, and thought it would be a good source of nutrition, then they've failed the test of parenting, and repo men should be by shortly to repossess their children. No, Gushers were candy, and nobody should be fooled into thinking they're something different.

Also, they tasted like shit.

Seriously, I hated Gushers and their stupid commercials. The way the "juice" squirted into your mouth after biting was a rather disgusting sensation. However, since I grew up through the eighties and early nineties, I experienced the heyday of fruit snack development and selection. I yearn for the days when there was a plethora of fruit snacks that looked like stuff, or were based on things. Back then, fruit snacks were another juvenile status symbol, like name-brand clothing and top-of-the-line school supplies. If you had the best fruit snacks, the coolest lunchtime edibles, then you could be a god. And I'm sure if God ate fruit snacks, he'd eat any one of the following:

Probably the very first ever-versatile fruit snack was Fruit Roll-Ups. Every kid has eaten a Fruit Roll-up in North America. It's a part of our culture. In fact, I think you have to name at least three flavours on the American citizenship test. If you didn't have FRUs at some point in your school year, you might as well have been a leper or someone who wears Levi's Orange Tabs. After FRUs got a little boring, Betty Crocker decided to make "pop-outs", where kids could pop shapes out and play with them. That was pretty much as stupid as it sounds. It's a malleable jelly sheet, it's not an action figure.

In the late eighties/early nineties, Betty Crocker rolled out Fruit By The Foot, which was exactly like Fruit Roll-Ups, but longer! It boasted "3 feet of fun!" FBTF was pretty cool, mostly for the fact that you could whip your friends with it. However, I went to a Catholic school, and using the excuse "I'm pretending to whip Jesus" doesn't tend to go over that well. (commercial).

Among the many "shaped" fruit snacks out there, there was one that soared above the rest and rained flavour bombs on their homes. Thunder Jets Fruit Snacks. Sure, anyone could eat dinosaurs, gummi bears, sharks or whatever popular kids' TV show or movie was out at the time, but only the bravest children could eat fruit snacks shaped after jet-planes. Seems now like a blatant attempt to get boys to eat fruit (of any nature), but methinks there's an underlying attempt by the Air Force to get entrenched into kids' psyches early on. I know when I ate these, I just wanted to buzz the tower and play some shirtless volleyball.

But the greatest fruit snack of them all proved the age-old saying: "Kids like candy, moron". So what better way to disguise a fruit snack, then by fashioning it after pop? Enter Sodalicious. Every kid likes pop (except for the diabetics), so this was a natural move. Kids like the idea of having pop as a snack, and parents are dumb enough to believe that this should be a part of a healthy lunch. Look at the commercial! The memories! Who doesn't remember squawking the same "So, Sodalicious!" line over and over again? And everybody had their favourite flavour. Out of the flavours like Cherry, Cola and Orange, I think everyone had a special place in their hearts for Root Beer. If anyone anywhere has some Sodalicious still in a cupboard or something, I'll give up my first born child for it. Please note that the odds are slim on a child being conceived by me any time soon (on purpose, anyway), so I'll probably just end up threatening you for them.

Watchmen Update!

Last post I pondered whether or not the new film "Watchmen" could live up to the universe-crushing amount of hype surrounding it prior to its release.

After seeing it on Friday, I needed the last few days to digest, decompress and calm the fuck down. Because I can say without hyperbole, that it lived up to the hype, times ELEVENTY-BILLION INFINITY.

Yeah, it was pretty good. So good that an image of the film now graces my office computer, and that's a HUGE deal. I don't just blanket my monitor with shitty Microsoft stock images. I only want the best when I turn on my screen, so that I can begin the day feeling a bit more awesome than when I arrived at work.

So why are you still reading this? If you're at work, leave! If you're at school, absolutely leave! If you're at home, leave, then get a job. Get out to your closest theatre and prepare to get your nuts smashed.

Who's Watching The Watchmen?

In a few hours, I will be watching the 'Watchmen'. And I hate the fact that I've had to wait so long to see this film. I just hate time so much.

As a big fan of the graphic novel that made it's debut in 12 issues between 1986 and 1987, I have been looking forward to this film like any other average fan. I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't really been eating (that might set me apart from a lot of fans, actually. A lot of fans are fat.). I've been thinking about this film, the characters, the script, the directing, whether or not the craft services were good, if the grips did their jobs well, if I can make any good Halloween costumes from this, etc., etc. Basically, because of this film, I've been making myself stupid...more so than usual.

Back in July, I posted the first trailer for Watchmen, and I asked myself some very important questions. Questions like, "Will 'Watchmen' give me the same neural orgasm that '300' did? Will 'Watchmen' have the same grossly exaggerated amount of slow-motion scenes, possibly making the movie 6 1/2 hours long? Will I have to go to the bathroom during the middle of it, forcing me to contemplate whether or not I have to piss myself in order to avoid missing a single second? Will this film live up to the planet-crushing amount of hype?"

These questions will be answered tonight, especially the last and most important one. Now, I am not a rabid fanboy. I'm not a fan with such a distorted sense of entitlement and reality that I believe that every single moviemaker owes me because I bought a book. No, I haven't been blowing up the internets for the last year with my opinion about the film because I'm just a guy who likes films. However, I know when a film adaptation's been done right and when it's been done horribly wrong. The Dark Knight? Just wonderful. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Baby vomit.

I do believe that certain films become victims to their own hype, and few actually rise above (see Dark Knight), but the common problem is that many films aren't that bad at all, they just succumb to the immense weight of the accumulated hype and impossible expectations of the rabid masses. Will 'Watchmen' rise above? Only time will tell.

Let's have a look at some other films that I've anxiously awaited night and day for, and how they fared in my opinion.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999): I waited years for the first episode of Star Wars, and I nearly killed someone in rage after seeing it. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't good. Jar Jar Binks ruined two generations of fans who loved the 'Wars, and George Lucas proved that he wasn't the Midas of the film world.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Two Towers (2002) and The Return of the King (2003): As a long-time fan of the books I started reading at an early age, I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown before each film of the trilogy came out, and nearly died from anticipation for the next. After "King" came out, I went through a small bit of film depression because there were no films to look forward to. Were they worth it? You bet your sweet ass they were. Jar Jar Binks isn't going to win a fucking Best Picture Oscar, is he? IS HE?

Sin City (2005): I'm really into the graphic novel adapations, so upon hearing that they were making this series into a film back in 2004, I nearly went into a catatonic state. Lucky for me, I'm not that fucked up. I saw it four times in the theatres, I have two copies of the DVD, and I dressed as "Kevin" for Halloween that year. Yeah, I'd say it was pretty good in my eyes.

Transformers (2007): If there's any film that has had more hype and buildup than this film, I've yet to see it. My generation, that is, the generation that grew up with the Transformers cartoons, had all the action figures and slept with Transformers bedsheets, were merciless in our demands for this film. It had to be absolutely perfect and it couldn't mess with our beloved childhood memories (because I'm sure there'd be dork riots if it did, right?). After getting all stupid over this film up until its release date, I found that afterwards, I was just content. Nobody fucked it up that badly, but it wasn't going to make me buy new sheets.

Speed Racer (2008): I was getting my face set for stunned for this film. I wrote about the trailer giving me wet dreams in high-definition colour and sound, and I couldn't believe that directors as weird and talented as the Wachowski brothers were helming the ship on this one. I mean, this was fucking Speed Racer! I cursed the fact that time was in my way of seeing this movie.

Funny thing, is that I actually didn't see Speed Racer. And haven't seen it. Oops.

A New Beginning In Springfield

It practically went unnoticed by the general population, but definitely not by those who have followed the show since its inception into the collective consciousness of the world in 1989.

This past Sunday, The Simpsons ran a new opening credit sequence.
If you're a long-time worshipper of the show like me, then this is something HUGE. Sure, it might be only the opening credits and not an episode, but the opening of The Simpsons is undeniably legendary and iconic, particularly for my generation. Notwithstanding the gag changes (Bart's blackboard gag, the couch gag) and some special in-episode credits ("The Thompsons" from ep 9F22, Bart gets fat from GABF11) the main animation sections stayed constant.

Sunday's new opening sequence contained many of the same elements, but was lengthened to just about 2 minutes, and also included many characters, some new, and some updated. According to TVguide.ca, the change was a celebratory, as the episode marked the first time The Simpsons was cast in high-definition. Check it out:


Do I like it? Yes. Yes, I do. It's always good to keep fresh, and even though The Simpsons hasn't been fresh since the Spice Girls were relative unknowns, it's a bold move, one that I hope is accepted by moderate fans and psycho fans worldwide.

Speaking of the Simpsons not being relevant since "Apollo 13" delighted theatre audiences, I'd like to take the opportunity to dig up a post I wrote over two years ago on another blog site, that I'm no longer writing for. I was worried that this post was lost forever, but it's been found (thanks Greg!)! The following outlines my favourite Simpsons episodes. Enjoy!

[Except from article orginally posted by me on www.thirtylives.com on November 26, 2006]

Chris Turner, who wrote the richly encompassing Simpsons saga, Planet Simpson, stated that the best years, the "Golden Era", was the absolute genius involved in Seasons 4 through 9. I wholeheartedly agree. Therefore, as a sort of "antibacterial cleanser for the sense of humour", I give you my top five favourite episodes of all-time. It should be of no surprise that they are all from Seasons 4 or 5. Undoubtably, those seasons, and the rest to Season 9, represent the very best of this legendary television program. I consider my life to have improved after watching these marvels.

5) Deep Space Homer (Season Five, Episode 1F13, Written By David Mirkhin / Transcript)

One of the best "Homer has another job" episodes (another show mentioned later takes the prize). Razor-sharp writing, pacing and inspired references transcend into beautifully crafted assaults on the knee-jerk hysteria of the news media, the irrelevance of NASA, and the evolution of the TV father figure. Everything here is comic gold, and not by the two sweetest words in the English language: Default.

Favourite Quote - Kent Brockman: "Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."

4) Homer The Heretic (Season Four, Episode 9F01, Written By George Meyer / Transcript

We interrupt your regular programming to bring you a wonderful episode. In what is an excellent comment on the validity of all religious orders to be kind and generous to its fellow human, this episode really shines in the writing. The jokes are small, but numerous and quick, and the ending, which in the wrong hands could have resulted in a Hallmark-esque disaster, becomes utterly charming. I'm taking everyone's side here: Homer, Flanders, the Water Department, and God.

Favourite Quote - Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... well, I forget that too--Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?

3) Cape Feare (Season 5, Episode 9F22, Written By Jon Vitti / Transcript

When you can make walking into nine rakes actually funny, then you've achieved legendary status, as this ep has. An obvious homage to Cape Fear, this episode has it all: incredibly witty writing, a great musical number (cheers for Gilbert & Sullivan), the emergence of a great character in Sideshow Bob, and plenty of hilarious references. An absolute must see for any fans of the Simpsons, or the "Thompsons".

Favourite Quote - Marge: [ruefully] We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life? Homer: Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left. [Scene change to Simpsons' old house] Abe: [knocking] Hello-o? Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o?[meekly] I'm cold, and there are wolves after me. [Howling is heard in the distance]

2) Marge Vs. The Monorail (Season 4, Episode 9F10, Written By Conan O'Brien / Transcript

The runner-up in my top five poll is simply one of the best of the best. Conan O'Brien wrote only a handful of episodes, but his masterstroke is this episode, brimming with comedic glee and super-crisp dialogue. From the Flintstones spoof beginning, to the escalator to nowhere ending, this episode shoots comedic gold at a rapid-fire pace, daring you to keep up. The cosmic ballet goes on, and will the humour of this episode for years to come.

Favourite Quote - Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you! Homer: Batman? Marge: No, he's a scientist. Homer: Batman's a scientist. Marge: It's not Batman!

1) Last Exit To Springfield (Season 4, Episode 9F15, Written By Jay Kogen & Wallace Wolodarsky / Transcript

This is the one. The absolute best (according to me). This shouldn't be of any surprise to the big Simpsons fans out there, as this episode has topped many 'best of' lists. And it should. It's as close to perfection as you will get in an episode, on any comedic television series. Homer as a union boss, "Lisa needs braces - Dental plan!", the Big Book Of British Smiles, the best of times - the "blurst of times", hired goons and on and on and on. This is what comedy is in it's most pure form. It's a legend. It should be knighted, or bestowed upon it sainthood. This is television turned up to 11. And I wish there were more like it - we as a planet would be better off.

Favourite Quote (among many) - Kent:Homer, organised labour has been called a lumbering dinosaur. Homer: (scared) AAAAH! Kent: Um, my director is asking me not to talk to you anymore. Homer: Woohoo!

That's my top five. What are your favourite episodes? Moments? Quotes?

The Day The Music Died

A long, long time ago. 50 years ago today. February 3, 1959.

A concert tour called the "Winter Dance Party" was enjoying big successes through the US Midwest, despite the frigid temperatures and poor travelling schedules. Featuring a very popular lineup of up-and-coming musicians, it included Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, J.P. Richardson (aka "The Big Bopper") and Dion & The Belmonts. The cold weather may not have been affecting the attendance, but it was creating havoc on the artists' tour bus, causing malfunctions in its heating system. Frostbite and illness were starting to afflict much of the traveling crew. When an extra show was added to the schedule in Clear Lake, Iowa, band members, especially Buddy Holly, succumbed to their frustrations with the malfunctioning bus and looked for other means of transportation. Holly, needing to get fresh laundry before the next performance, made arrangements with local pilot Roger Peterson to fly three people to Minnesota for $36 each.

J.P. Richardson had the flu, so he urged Waylon Jennings to let him fly instead of anguishing in an ice-cold bus, to which Jennings agreed. Richie Valens wished to fly as well, and won a coin toss with one of Holly's bandmates. Dion DiMucci from Dion & The Belmonts couldn't afford the cost of the flight. When the plane took off, it carried the pilot Peterson, Holly, Valens and Richardson. It never made it to Minnesota.

The plane crash cost the lives of everyone on board, and was the first high-profile music celebrity crash. Every artist was under the age of 30, Richardson being 29, Holly was 22, and Valens was only 18. The tragedy devastated the music industry and shattered the illusion that popular artists, at times worshipped and idolized, were invincible demi-gods. It was a loss of innocence, a loss of talent, and a loss of out-of-touch reality. The incident has been cause for creation, however, as seen in Don McLean's famous 1971 song, "American Pie".

If only this crash was the only one to claim the lives of talented artists, but there have been more. Here are some other famous musicians to have tragically lost their lives in aviation accidents.

Patsy Cline: March 5, 1963. Patsy, famous for her hit "Crazy", was killed along with artists Cowboy Copas, Hawkshaw Hawkins and Cline's manager when their plane crashed in a forest during bad weather conditions outside Camden, Tennessee.

Otis Redding: December 10, 1967. Three days after recording "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay", his best-known hit, Otis, along with four members of his Bar-Kays band, were killed when their plane crashed in Lake Monoma near Madison, Wisconsin.

Jim Croce: September 20, 1973. "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" was skyrocketing Jim to the top when he crashed into a tree while failing to take off in Louisiana.

Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and Cassie Gaines of Lynyrd Skynyrd: October 20, 1977. A pilot's error of miscalculating the amount of fuel in the plane caused the crash that killed many members of the immensely popular band just outside Gillsburg, Mississippi.

Randy Rhoads: March 19, 1982. The seemingly infinitely talented Rhoads, playing in Ozzy Osbourne's band, was killed along with two others when the plane he was riding in clipped Ozzy's tour bus during a botched "bus buzz".

John Denver: October 12, 1997. While flying his own experimental plane near Monterrey, California, Denver made a pilot error causing his own demise.

Aaliyah: August 25, 2001. Instead of celebrating my birthday, Aaliyah was killed after leaving a video shoot in the Bahamas. The plane she was in was overloaded and the pilot had traces of cocaine and alcohol in his system.

A Trip Down Remembery Lane: 2008 Edition

Yes, I did just look at my calendar, and yes, I do know that it's January 29th. Is it too late to do a "remember last year? I do, and here's some highlights because I know you care" post? I don't think it's too late. It's still January, right? Hey, this is a yearly tradition, so just sit back, adjust your reading glasses (and clean them too, they're filthy) and enjoy.

How can I best sum up 2008? A daunting task if I may say so. 2008 was an emotional year, I'll say that. There were some dizzying highs, some very rough lows, and as always, the consistent creamy middles. Now that the year's over, what effect on me did it ultimately have? Now that's the $64,000 question. I'd love to say that since another year's gone by, that I've grown wiser by a year, that I've come to a maturity level 366 days greater than this time last year, and that I've progressed occupationally by 52 weeks. I'd love to say that, but I can't. I can say that I've become a tad more emotional in the past year, mostly due to a very important person in my life changing the distance between us from minutes to nine time zones. I still talk to myself, I still make fun of others to make up for my own issues, and I still seem to lock my keys in my truck.

But you know what? You don't care, and neither do I. Nobody said at the start of 2008 that "personal growth" was required before 2009. Things happen, people change, and time flies. That's life. The only constant year to year? The Edmonton Oilers still frustrate the shit out of me, but I can't stop loving them.

Now, on to the memories! This year, I'm giving the top prize a cheap plastic trophy! Hooray!


BEST EYE-GASM: In Bruges

There were a shat load of great films in 2008, but I'll have to say that the film that flew under the radar and really shouldn't have, was this gem from director Martin McDonagh. An incredibly well-written dark comedy with outstanding performances, it features a murdered kid, a hooker and coke-obsessed midget and the most boring beautiful town in Europe. And I couldn't have enjoyed it more!

Participant Ribbons: The Bank Job, Be Kind Rewind, The Dark Knight, RocknRolla, Slumdog Millionaire, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, The Wrestler

BEST EAR-GASM: Into Your Lungs - Hey Rosetta!

Basically, no other album has generated more happiness, brought me through more times of sadness and boredom and kicked more ass than these Newfies. Leader Tim Baker has more talent in his dead skin flakes than most musicians out there. I predict this band will get very, VERY... somewhat noticed by the masses. And that will be a huge, unforgivable crime. They should be at least bigger than Akon. Damn Akon. He sucks.

Participant Ribbons: Beck - Modern Guilt, Black Mountain - In The Future, Constantines - Kensington Heights, The Hold Steady - Stay Positive, TV On The Radio - Dear Science, Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer

BEST CONCERT-GASM - Hey Rosetta! and Two Hours Traffic (Pawn Shop, Nov 10)

I shall repeat the comment I made on Facebook the moment I came home from this show: "If War and Peace was an epic, then tonight's Hey Rosetta! and Two Hours Traffic show was 10 War and Peace's worth of epic." Enough said. (Hey Rosetta! also played with The Coast on June 26. That show was 10 Ben Hur's worth of epic)

Participant Ribbons - Bedouin Soundclash with Shad K (Grant MacEwan, Apr 4 - First show I planned!), Every act at COCA (Ottawa, June 6-11), Bloc Party with Shout Out Out Out Out (Edmonton Events Centre, Sep 9), Bedouin Soundclash and Hey Ocean! (Edmonton Event Centre, Oct 25), The Australian Pink Floyd Show (Winspear, Dec 10), Monotonix (Pawn Shop, Dec 27 - most insane show I've ever seen!)

BEST LIVER-GASM: COCA Conference (Ottawa, June 6-10)

Once again, COCA proves to be unstoppable, in that I couldn't stop myself from indulging in a few drinks. Times 10. Per day. For almost a week. A truly wonderful experience shared with equally wondrous delegates, associates and musicians from across the country. Oh, and those beers on the right are mine. The red-coloured drinks are some douche's. Probably somebody from Ontario. Burn.

Participant Ribbons: Stampede Pubcrawl (Calgary, July 5), Bike 'N Wipes II (Bentley, AB, July 26), My birthday pubcrawl (Edmonton, Aug 25), Halloween Pubcrawl (Oct 31)

There might be more best things next post! But probably not.

"You Gotta Get In The Rhythm, Gino."

Hey literacy fans!

I took a bit of time off, but I'll be writing again soon. My next post should be my annual "Best of whatever I liked last year" post, but for now, let's just enjoy this post-game moment, courtesy of Ethan "Always liked Oates better" Moreau.




Also, there will be more post frequency from me! And that's certainly something to clap for.

CLAP! CLAP!

Time To Get Your Jingle On

I don't really know what it means to "get your jingle on", but I saw it on a Christmas box, so it must have some kind of meaning. It actually sounds kind of perverted when you say a couple of times, and really emphasize "jingle" with a creepy seducer-type voice.

When I think about what "get your jingle on" really means, I think about those crazed Christmas types who annoyingly spout out holiday cliches ad naseum to anyone who unfortunately gets within earshot. You know the type I'm referring to. That co-worker that can't shut up about the fact that they're "really excited that Christmas is coming", and they drive home that point every damn day, as if you didn't hear them the first time they said it on November 1. Or that friend that keeps reminding you that they "can't stop baking!", like that's some kind of holiday accomplishment. The most annoying for me are the folks who really take "get your jingle on" to heart. They're the ones who absolutely MUST play Christmas music all the time as soon as December rolls around. No other music - enjoying as it may be the rest of the year - can even be considered worthy to be played. That would upset baby Jesus or baby Santa, or something. They give the excuse that constant playing "puts them in the mood", or some other bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm against seasonal music, just not ALL THE FUCKING TIME for four weeks.

The problem I do have with Christmas music, is that it never changes. The same songs have been played for what, 100 years or something? Sure, some people will argue that the songs might be the same, but because there's different versions, it's still awesome to sit back, listen to your favourite songs and dream about what presents you're going to get. My problem is this: just because there's a million different variations, covers or versions of a shitty Christmas song, it's still a shitty Christmas song.

Hey, I'm not completely against holiday music, I just prefer it in limited amounts, like only being played on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day. Not before, and certainly not after (that's just stupid). Here's a few examples of cool songs that I'll be listening to tonight.

All ranting aside, I'd truly like to wish everyone around the world a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Happy Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year! Now, who wants a drink?

Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC

Let Me Sleep - Pearl Jam

Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)

The Kinks - Father Christmas

Pointless Nostalgia 7: Imagination Not Included

'Tis the season, my friends! It's almost Christmas!

Now's the time to whip out all those special holiday season traditions, if you haven't started doing so since the day after Halloween. It's time to spend quality, touching moments with family and friends, mostly because you have to - it's the law, or something. It's that time of year when you eat a boatload of chocolate, candy and every other sugar-infested confection, enough to almost develop diabetes in record time. It's the only time of the year that you can get away wearing turkey gravy-stained pajama pants, and that decade-old "Beaver Canoe" sweatshirt for 2 weeks straight. It's time to dash through the snow, walk in a winter wonderland, and roast chestnuts on an open fire (has anyone even eaten a chestnut? I imagine they taste like eating a chunk of particle board).

And speaking of chestnuts, I'd like to dust off an old theme, with the triumphant return of Pointless Nostalgia! With PN posts, I get to reminisce about the good old days, the not-so-good old days, and those days where I'd just watch television and eat a frozen Coke that I put in the freezer the night before. Since it's close to Christmas, every medium we have (television, radio, newspaper, internet) is saturated with advertisements for children's toys. Basically, Christmas is still pretty much for the kids (unlike Halloween, which has been forcibly taken over by adults in pimp and skank costumes), so I'd like to look back on some of the toys that have come and gone in my lifetime. Nowadays, toys come complete with imagination and complex moving parts, but when I grew up, you had to supply imagination yourself, because the toy was pretty simple. And sometimes, it was just dumb.

Here's some examples of toys that seemed like a fun idea at the time of reception at Christmas, but were ignored 5 minutes later:

Mr. Microphone

Some inventive genius thought that kids would seriously go bonkers for this toy, because really, every kid is an attention whore from birth. Mr. Microphone enabled any one to dial into an FM frequency, and talk like they're on the air. Supposedly, kids are supposed to marvel at the thought of being on the radio. Granted, every kid jumps at the chance to annoy their parents, friends and everyone else around them, but this got old fast. Basically, after the first "Helloooo!", the kid (or adult) gives up on trying to say anything good, and resigns to just making farting noises until even that gets too dull. However, the commercial would have you believe that this is the greatest invention since insulin.

And for a second commercial, see here. I want to face-punch the people at the start.

PogoBall

This was actually popular for a time in the late '80s, and I know that many of my friends had one or two (they wouldn't share with a sibling). It was supposed to give the joy of a pogostick, but without the handy pole. You'd put one foot on it, then try to get your balance with the other. The second part took about a decade to accomplish. Kids with bad coordination were fucked. It was a nice idea, but it ultimately failed, despite its fad status. Why? Because advertisers forgot that kids are fucking lazy, especially once video games became omnipresent, and trampolines became must-haves. However, if you got a fat kid to try it, it did provide something to laugh at.

Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

A toy company's goal is to create a toy so awesome, that it makes kids throw batshit-crazy temper tantrums when they see it. This toy wasn't one of those toys. I remember one of my sister's friends had one, and I thought "That's awesome! I must have one NOW!". You just put ice cubes in the top, turn the crank, add the sweet sauce, and you've got an instant sno-cone! Looking at it now, it's basically just an ice crusher, and an impossibly hard one at that. No kid likes to have to do work when he or she plays, and this fucker was hard to operate. As this video shows, you have to be an adult to use it, taking away an important rule of toys: Kids have to be able to have fun with it unsupervised. Just like these kids:

This toy fails, because as I mentioned above, I found a better way to enjoy an ice treat. Coke in the freezer. Works every time.

Magic 8 Ball

I can't believe that these are still around, but you can still see one in someone's house in their room, or on a business person's desk, as a result of a shitty Christmas gift exchange. If you do see one of these in a person's possession, and it looks recently used, instead of high on a shelf of other forgotten junk, get the hell out of there. That person should not be communicated with, because they can't make their own decisions to save their life. When I was a kid, the novelty of the 8 ball was asking it questions indicative of a precocious nature, you know, for fun. Asking the ball, "Does Molly like me?" or "Will I get a better Christmas present next year?" were common questions. Unfortunately, the 8 Ball was not magic. It just fucked with you. Giving you answers like, "Outlook not so good", "Concentrate and ask again", or my personal favourite, "Better not tell you now" (why the fuck not?), just fooled with your mind. After a while, you just kept shaking it until you got the answer you wanted. For some reason, I never received "Yes", to my question of "Am I cool". Fuck you, 8 ball.

Snap Bracelet

These suck, and if you had one, you were retarded.

Ein! Zwei! Die!

Gott im Himmel!

When does this open, and how many times am I legally allowed to watch it?

There are as many zombie films out there these days as there are trucks in Alberta, but not all the films are decent or even watchable, just like not all drivers in this province are law-biding non-assholes. And there are plenty of homages, films dedicated to reliving or re-imagining the genre, a genre originate by the legendary George Romero. However, for every "Shaun of the Dead", there's a "Zombie Vegetarians".

And now here's a Norwegian entry into the zombie-homage-comedy, or zomhomcom pantheon. Død snø, or Dead Snow, directed by Tommy Wirkola, certainly has the blueprint for any zombie film: doomed teenagers, some old person predicting inherent danger, blood and guts, and of course, zombies (either of the slow or quick kind). Could be the recipe for just another shitty film, except for one difference:

Fucking Nazis! Zombie Nazis! Yes! Now we're kicking it into high gear.

I assume that this kind of film serves as more than just a movie for the Norwegian people, since they were invaded and occupied by the Germans during World War II. This film could act as a little redemption, because there's nothing more satisfying then resurrecting your hated one-time enemy and defeating him, zombie-killing style. No remorse, no regret. Just kill. Even if it is just in film.

Here's the trailer. Enjoy!

Attack of the Tuesday Night

It wasn’t so much a request, but seemingly more like a dare. After hearing about the wonder that is ‘Name That Tune’ at RATT, she seems surprisingly interested, but I sense a small hint of disbelief, even a hint of sarcasm. So I delve further into the scintillating details of the weekly event: the dedicated, almost fanatical teams, the plethora of drinks, and the tunes and the passionate naming of them. She now grows considerately more interested in possibly attending another night, but she requires one thing before: a morning message. She wants to know all the details about the evening’s activities. Salacious or not, it’s the details that could change her outlook from curious fence-sitter to full-blown trivia zealot.

Like in some television flashback, complete with shimmering fade-out, my mind wanders back to just over a half-day past. My faithful friend Justin and I approached the U of A’s Stadium parkade with a sense of impending dread. We were late. We weren’t there at the start of the game. We weren’t there to confidently and assuredly announce our team name, Kathleen Turner Overdrive. Granted, we had teammates there, people trustworthy and dedicated enough to be there on time in our stead. But how many questions had been asked already? How many teams answered correctly? How many teams stole questions out from the grasp of others? How many questions had our team guessed, and guessed right? These questions swirled ferociously in our minds, but our fears were faintly soothed by the history of games played before. We’ve been down before, and we’ve come back to win. As the reigning champions, and team to beat, we do have a reputation of being a stalwart opponent, with sometimes almost limitless knowledge. That knowledge might have to be tested tonight.

As we ponder the uncertainties we’re faced with, we enter SUB with a quicker step in our stride. “If we are down,” Justin remarks, “then we’ve got to get in there. Now.” I couldn’t agree more, as I jet over to the bank machine located a few steps away. If we are down, and can’t recover, I’ll need to buy enough drinks to soften the blow. In this game, if you’re losing, sometimes the only way to save face is to be the drunkest one playing. The elevator sounds off with its familiar high-pitched ding, and its doors slide open, goading us into entering its gaping maw. We each take a deep breath, and accept the elevator’s invitation. The doors close with a nefarious coffin door-like creak, potentially signaling our approaching competitive fate. I almost don’t notice that I’m holding my breath.

I take a breath. Again, that high-pitched ding greets us, almost mockingly. I can hear the faint dim of the room through the doors, and as they open, I suddenly become completely surrounded. The noise is almost deafening. It’s crazy busy in RATT tonight. Every table is occupied. Tables of patrons, some playing teams, some college chums, some colleagues, are all immersed in conversations, anecdotes and jokes. Everything they’re saying is competing for dominion over the audible kingdom, but no-one’s winning. Amongst the clamor, I can smell the years-old beer-saturated carpet. I can detect the automated splash of the washing machine. RATT never changes, it never deviates from its goal: to provide seats and tables to campus travelers who simply want a safe haven to escape the rigors of school, work or both. Also, there are drinks. And plenty of them. “This could be the night of nights,” I say to myself.

I let my eyes wander over the field of humans before me, and I catch a familiar sight. A single, solitary hand is raised, signaling the location of my own sanctuary: my team’s table. Justin and I make some conciliatory gestures to the rest of the team, silently indicating our apologies for being late. We both maneuver to our respective saved seats, cautious to watch our movements while placing our coats, lest we do something unintentionally hilarious like smell ourselves. I have barely begun to get settled when I blurt out the question that needs to be answered, and needs to be answered now: “How are we doing?”

I do not get the answer I want. My teammate Alan, matter-of-factly tells me that our team has 5 points. Only 5 fucking points. My heart sinks for a second, but quickly regains its composure. I don’t need to know how far the game has progressed; I just know that we’ve got work to do and there’s no time to wallow in self-pity. A couple of teams miss their questions and we pick up a couple steals right away. The round ends, and the scores are announced: “And in the lead with 50, KTO”. I almost kill Alan.

Everything is gravy from then on. We’re not perfect, but it doesn’t matter. My team doesn’t relinquish a lead that easy, and we certainly don’t make it easy on the other teams. We yell. We laugh. We point at other teams and give the evil eye. We make fun of everything. We cry foul and shout “EASY!” when we think a question is too simple for another team. We don’t hold any grudges and it’s all in good fun, of course, but we cannot deny or ignore the competitive spirit we all have burning inside of us. We’re here to win and have a kick-ass time doing it. This isn’t competitive knitting here.

In the end, our gung-ho spirit leads us to victory again. Cheers erupt from our table, with smattering of claps and declarations of “Good show!” and “Well done, indeed!” We receive our conquest from the game hosts, a $30 gift certificate good for another night. $30 may seem paltry and there may be thoughts of whether that prize is worth the mental anguish, the nervous preparation, and the never-ending stomach butterflies that comes. Is it worth it?

If you come next time, you’ll know the answer.

A Bad News/Good News Kind Of Day

THE BAD NEWS: Here's just another reason why America needs a helmet.

It needs a helmet, because it's becoming more and more obvious that it has severe learning deficiencies and mental disabilities, and it can no longer hide them. America could seriously hurt itself if the proper precautions are not taken to protect it from the inherent dangers out there in the world.

Specifically, the danger of creative and original thought-provoking entertainment! God only knows what kind of cognitive trauma could beset the USA if programs like Pushing Daisies were to continue on the air. With such sharp and intelligent dialogue, vibrant and engaging visuals and such wondefully well-written characters and plot development, America could actually learn to enjoy such a whimsical masterpiece of creative storytelling. And America can't have that. America is quite happy to wallow in its own stupidity, to marvel moronically at such intelligence-voided "reality" programs like "Dancing with the Stars" and laugh-track turds like "According to the late John Belushi's fat, untalented brother Jim". Why would America need a show like Pushing Daisies, a show that was as clever and witty as any other work of fiction on television today?

Because America doesn't need an uppity show like that reinforcing the fact that America is dumber than a bag of mentally-handicapped hammers. America watched a little bit of Pushing Daisies, and just didn't get it. Now, a show like "Dancing with the Stars", America gets that. America likes celebrities, and it likes things that move. Also, there are shiny costume adornments, and everybody likes those things. DWTS has all of those, and it's easy for America to keep up with shiny, moving people. But if America has to follow a plot, character development and ingenious dialogue, then things get messy. America will stomp its feet, pout its lips and furrow its brow before it wails incessantly that this kind of thing isn't fun. It's not fun because America has to think, and that is far beyond its capacity.

America, you've ruined another show destined for greatness with your limitations and your preference for anything that only requires mental reaction, and no contemplation. If you had only watched, learned and enjoyed, you could have found yourself on a higher plane of entertainment, but you didn't bother. And now Pushing Daisies is cancelled. Like Arrested Development before it, America decided to give creativity and quality the finger. And I hate America for it.

And Canada, you didn't help either. Shame on you both.

THE GOOD NEWS: Speaking of Arrested Development, apparently the film version of the show is a go!

Hurray America!

Now lose some weight.

I Am A Delicious Word Soup

Sometimes it's not enough to see your written words on the computer screen. Sometimes you want to see them written on your computer screen RANDOM AND IN COLOR! Yeah, this link makes your words incredible and awesome and snazzy.

Try it for yourself, and prepare your face for stunned! I mean, you don't have anything better to do anyways.

Shameless Plug

And apparently, children's imaginations include flourishing hand guestures.

Also, support the Christmas Bureau.

And read the Sun.