The Top Eleven Reasons Why I Like Living Alone

Recently, I cast off the shackles of the oppressive family, and moved into my own apartment. After reading that one sentence, I know that you're thinking two things: 1) He moved out now? At 26? What a tool! and 2) 26! Ha! What a man-baby.

I can completely understand those two trains of thought, considering yes, I am 26 (but closer to 27 now), and yes, I have a full-time job. But all of you haters can just shut the fuck up for two seconds and let me explain. First off, I haven't always lived with my family. From 2000-early 2004 I lived either by myself or with roommates. Second, I did move back in with the family because it was easy, and I was still "in school". When I left school, I didn't jump right back out there, because I either didn't feel it was the right time, or I wanted to wait until it was financially feasible. I took a lot of unwarranted shit over that time from people, friends or otherwise, and I didn't care. I don't make decisions based on what people think, I make decisions for me. ME. Get it? Good.

Now that we've come to an understanding, let's get to the meat. The top eleven reasons why living on my own gets big-ups, and living say, in a cardboard box, is shitty. There's eleven points, because this list goes to eleven. It's just that fucking RAD.

11) I buy my own groceries, any time I want. Pizza Pops? Sure. Tater Gems? You bet? Sodalicious? Do they even sell those anymore? Because if they do, you darn well know they're going in the cart.

10) Cleaning is performed based on necessity, not on a regular schedule. Oh, you can see some dust? Well, I can't. Until I can, Mr. Clean stays in his house. Don't worry about him, under the sink is a party, believe me.

9) One plate, one bowl, one set of utensils. Sure, I bought more, but it just seems that I always use just one. Hell, I could actually just eat out of the pot or pan. I just saved myself that plate. No fuss, no muss.

8) If something is missing from the fridge, I know I took it. Where did all the beer and leftover pizza go? Why is there a shoe and a note left in its place? What happened to me last night?

7) The door never has to be closed during any bathroom activities. This is good for showers, because then I don't have to do that stupid towel wave in front of the mirror to clear the fog off. Plus, I love that cold breeze after I get out, it's refreshing!

6) I don't have to hear any family or roommate issues/arguments. I don't have to hear that your dad can't show you affection, or that Grandma is having bowel troubles. In my apartment, try to keep your topics of conversation to pop-culture between 1985-1996.

5) Friends can visit whenever they want. Just bring me some kind of treat.

4) Frolicking, capering, cavorting, sitting and staring. I could never do these things at home.

3) All Tyler's movies, all the time. Oh, you don't like "Kung-Fu Hustle"? Too damn bad. We're watching that, then "Logan's Run", and then just for the hell of it, "Clash Of The Titans".

2) Pants off when I arrive, pants on when I leave. There's no reason to really wear any clothes at all when I'm at home. Who I am supposed to impress? Myself? I've seen what I'm made of and I'm pretty indifferent.

1) The Girls. I can close my bedroom door all the way, and there's never any "checking up" from the folks. It's everything I've ever wanted.

The Politics Of Cybertron

Some of you know of my involvment in the Students' Union executive elections at the U of A during my wacky career there. I have filled the role of campaign manager, volunteer and advisor for a few campaigns, including my own. I have a winning record, but unfortunately, never won myself.

Regular campaigns are fairly pedestrian, and some joke candidates over the years have been interesting, but mostly ill-conceived and poorly executed.

Except for this campaign.

I have to give my first nomination for "Hero Of The Year" award to Sarah Yusuf, who ran the Soundwave for VP External campaign during the SU elections earlier this month. Soundwave. The coolest fucking transformer of them all. SU elections. Face-melting, is what this is. And now there's video of the Myer candidates forum.

Kudos to you Sarah, you have created something legendary, normally reserved for Greek gods and mythical creatures in kids' books, like Peter Pan or Waldo. Bravo, young lass.

The New Yorker Can Actually Be Funny

I know, it seems a far-fetched idea, but hear me out.

Mostly known for their be-monocled cover patron, and comics funny only to those who have subscriptions, and they only laugh because they believe they're paying for it, the New Yorker has been a bastion in the magazine world for being the pre-eminent forum for serious journalism and fiction since 1925. At least that's what Wikipedia says.

A quick check of their site today has produced a most-hilarious little gem. Found in the "Shouts And Mumurs" section, is a piece on the goings on in children and college minds alike. I think you'll agree that the result is quite amusing, and I say that whilst holding my cigar and cocking my head ever so slightly backwards to the right. Quite.

The link:
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/03/26/070326sh_shouts_rich

After you read it, I believe that you'll all agree that we thought like Simon every Halloween, because the money was just there. It's just sitting there!

Hot Dog! Another Personality Test!

As if you all weren't mired in a pit of low self-esteem already, here's another personality test that you'll take, and then tell all your friends how awesomely close it describes you, or really, the person you'd kill to be.

That being said, here's my results! Squee! It's as if they saw right through my computer monitor and into my soul. And my soul is doing some awesome breakdancing moves to Herbie Hancock's "Doin' It". Funkaaaaay.

http://friends.imagini.net/vdna.php?responseUID=73219-97ea&srv=iwebhd6

To waste some time on your own, just follow the link, and try it out for yourself! You'll be breakdancing in no time.

"This Is Blasphemy! This Is Madness!"

Actually, no, it's neither. It's 300, and I was fortunate enough to see it last night.

Is it too early to have it as my favourite film of the year? Fuck that, it's hit that peak with a bullet, or a flying spear, which seems more appropriate.

What can I say about the film? Mortal words cannot describe my admiration for it, and my head pretty much did this after it was done.

It opens with wide release this Friday. Just go see it. If you see it on IMAX, prepare to get your nuts smashed. You've been pleasantly warned.