When A Truck's Rage Goes Unbridled, It Becomes A Monster!

mon·ster
-noun
1. a legendary animal combining features of animal and human form or having the forms of various animals in combination, as a centaur, griffin, or sphinx.
2. any creature so ugly or monstrous as to frighten people.
3. any animal or human grotesquely deviating from the normal shape, behavior, or character.
-adjective
4. huge; enormous; monstrous: a monster truck.

The picture above is that of the monster variety. You'll notice that it's dimensions are enlarged greatly, almost comically, as to enhance its status as a monster. Many humans, much like those described as number three in the definition above, display a fond affliction to these vehicles, so much so that it's seems juvenile or retarded to those observing from a distance.

And there I was, observing from a distance at Rexall Place on Saturday night. Although, not quite from a distance, but rather right front and fucking centre. For I, Tyler Daignault, for one night, became the stuff of legends...or something like that.

It all started when my friend and colleague Christina sent me an urgent text message telling me that I should "omg Tyler, you have to enter Sonic's Monster Jam Announcer contest!". Never one to ignore a message that brings our Lord into reference, I scrambled to nearest internet computing machine to see what had caused such a furious and urgent cry for my entry in competition. Sonic's webpage did not prove Christina to be a histrionic liar, but rather a wise sage. For what I saw ignited a spark within and a special feeling welled up inside me. It's that tingling feeling you get when you think to yourself, "Oh man! I would just kill at this!" For many years, friends, relatives, acquaintences and complete strangers have said to me that I should "be on the radio, or something". I've most assuredly taken this observation to heart, but regrettably, never to task. However, I've always looked out for special opportunities that allow me to showcase my unique oratory skills. Through the years, I've annoyed many with my "movie trailer-guy voice" and promoted many events by way of my microphone hogging. This "Monster Jam Announcer" contest would be just another way for me to perhaps gain some new admirers of my voice, or perhaps catch the ear of someone significant - a station manager, perhaps.

Don't get me wrong, though. I think monster trucks, and all motorsports in general are pretty much the dumbest "sporting events" out there. You want to watch cars zoom by you? Sit by the Whitemud or Henday for a while. However, I will always put my own opinions aside if it means I can win something. After auditioning at Sonic the following Friday morning, I found myself in the top 5, enabling my commercial for voting by the general public of Edmonton. Hear the commercial that put me into the top five! After an intense weekend of voting, and thanks to my efforts on Facebook, I won with 46% of the vote! I was going to Monster Jam and get to announce during the performance! I also received four Gold-Club seats, but who cares about those? I couldn't believe it; I was going to put my vocal talents to use in front of thousands of people. I was busting, and I had to get prepared. Hear how I prepped myself for my big night. The week proceeded to fly by with supersonic speed, and before I knew it, it was Saturday.

I made a decision that if I were to win this contest, then I would have to make the most of it, i.e., dress up. For numerous parties, Halloween or the like, I've dressed up as an "80's rocker" or "some white trash guy with a mullet", so I had a costume in mind. Not to say that all monster truck fans are white trash, or sport mullets, but there's a reason that stereotype exists. From what I have seen traipse through Rexall for events like these (the last "Larry the Cable Guy show", for example), the people attending aren't exactly dressed to see the damn symphony orchestra. They're hicks, and they like it. I can't tell you how many "Motorists" (remember, from "Who's Who In The Mall"?) I saw there, but I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised. In fact, you'd expect it. So what better way to fit in, and truly appreciate the gravity of the situation, than to dress up. When in Rome, right? I also conned my friends Mike G and Greg into costuming, as well.

We met our contact Nate at Rexall, and proceeded to descend into the depths of the coliseum, to just outside the visiting dressing room, where we signed a waiver (for what, I don't really know), and psyched ourselves up for a bit. There were plenty of trucks to see, and we even got eyeballed by the anthem singer and her boyfriend (like they haven't seen people looking like us before - girl, you sing anthems at a truck event, for fuck sakes). Then, it happened:

Can you say "crazy, if only for a few seconds?" I sure can. Yes, it was short, and the MC ripped the mic out my hands, as if some massive five-ton truck was barreling down on us, but I had a great time! After the shock and awe of it all settled in, we went up to our seats, which were prime to say the least. However, as we reached section 101 and looked at row 16, seats 1-4, some assholes were sitting there. I just assumed that they were confused or just dumb, but Mike and Greg were ready to berate them on their poor seating choice. I got the usher involved instead (I don't want to tarnish my new celebrity status), and he approached the seat poachers. As they left, Mike yells "Britany!", and some girl yells, "Fucker!" Apparently, one of the poachers was one of Mike's ex-girlfriends. I can't think of a better way to get one up on the ex like giving them the fucking boot. It was a delicious scene. The show was on, and we proceeded to drink, eat, generally be merry, and of course, pose for any pictures from our new, adoring fans (and there were some).

Many thanks to Sonic for choosing me as their represntative, many thanks to everyone who voted for me, and many thanks to Nate from LiveNation. Most of all, thanks to the crowd. Thanks for not taking my attempt to ridicule you by way of costume as an insult. It was really appreciated.