Since I'm in the market for a new vehicle (I've had mine for three years now. That's like 106 car years), I occasionally glance at car ads in the paper, look at other cars on the road, and sometimes, just sometimes, I actually watch a car commercial. Normally when I watch TV, I usually press 'mute' on the remote and come up with my own dialogue for the car ads. It's just that they're so stupid, and they treat the viewer like a complete moron, so I figure it's fair treatment. I'm sure my dialogue would probably get people more interested in the cars, because I use many hilariously rude phrases and obscenities. It seems like every car commercial is a shitty derivative of the following few scenarios: car dealership has sale and people run frantically to the dealership as if not buying a car right away will give them shitty cancer (colon, or worse). Or, a car is shown driving awesomely down a mountain road, or in a desert, or by the ocean (not seen is the car waiting in a KFC line, being driven by some lard ass waiting for a 20-piece-all-for-him bucket). Or there's some happy family who's lives have been made a zillion times better now that they've got a mini-van which has a shut-the-kids-up DVD player. All car commercials now have ridiculously fradulent scenarios and you're an idiot if any commercial actually makes you want to buy a car.
But there was a time when the car commercial was a thing of beauty, something to look at and thank god you lived in the sexy '70s or excessive '80s. Commercials that just made you want to buy that car, go to a disco and have anonymous sex with just about anything, as long as it had plenty of body hair. Whilst perusing the internet today, I just happened to come across this beauty. Jalopnik has a great article on this perhaps being the worst car commercial ever, but they're wrong. It drips with a shimmering sexual prowess, a fuzzy lip-trimmed ferocity. Plus, it has light-up displays for car-related things.
Good god. If I was a female, this commercial would certainly seduce me, have sex with me, impregnate me, and then speed away, never to be seen from again, except maybe during a chance encounter on a beach in South Miami. But since I'm a man, it only makes me dream. Dream of a better time when commercials looked like this. Dream of another life where I could have an intense moustache and an equally intense stare that just erodes the clothes off women. A dream of driving this Datsun with the California coast or Manhattan skyline in the background, doing a line of blow off of a hot blonde, who's named Candy or Amber, her hand jammed between my legs while my own hand feverishly grips the gear-shift, all while my speed increases faster and faster towards infinity.
Good god. If I was a female, this commercial would certainly seduce me, have sex with me, impregnate me, and then speed away, never to be seen from again, except maybe during a chance encounter on a beach in South Miami. But since I'm a man, it only makes me dream. Dream of a better time when commercials looked like this. Dream of another life where I could have an intense moustache and an equally intense stare that just erodes the clothes off women. A dream of driving this Datsun with the California coast or Manhattan skyline in the background, doing a line of blow off of a hot blonde, who's named Candy or Amber, her hand jammed between my legs while my own hand feverishly grips the gear-shift, all while my speed increases faster and faster towards infinity.
Sadly, the commercials of today don't give me cause to dream. Their ads touch upon things I just don't care about. I don't care about child safety. I don't care about 12 airbags. I don't care about storage capacity. There's nothing sexy about fucking storage capacity. I care about looking like Alfred Molina in "Boogie Nights", picking up random girls who could be hookers but I'm too high to know for sure, and ramming the gas pedal through the floor while "Splash Wave" from Outrun plays for all eternity.
Reality always wins, though. I'll probably end up with a Focus.
1 comment:
I can't see the video at work (damn YouTube fascists!), but this whole post reminded me of an ad I remember from a late-1970's era National Geographic. There's the car, some huge bronze boat, parked in such a fashion as to make it look even huger, and a woman with a feathery hairdo and vaguely toga-ey dress draped over the hood. And next to it the text read "THE BIGGEST. THE LONGEST. THE WIDEST. THE BEST."
Even thinking about it now makes me giggle. I would have been all, "My God, yes! It's 1979! Why the hell am I driving such a pathetically tiny vehicle?!" and rushed out to buy the Buick.
PS. A Focus? (shakes head sadly) Surely you're not thinking of a car without some kind of catchy slogan. Zoom-zoom, Mr. Daignault.
Zoom-zoom.
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