Well, he finally did it. Took him damn long enough. After 600 issues and 67 years, Archibald Andrews has finally made up his effing mind. No longer is he content to dangle his committed affections in front of two lovely ladies. He's made his choice, and he's going for the money.
On the cover of the newest issue of Archie, Archie is shown proposing to Veronica Lodge ("Ronnie" to some, "that rich bitch" to others), while his best pal, Forsythe P. Jones, aka, "Jughead" and Betty Cooper, aka "the blond one that Archie did it with" look on. But there seems to be so much more involved than just this awkward scene. Let's really disect the scene, and try to gain a true understanding of what the story's about, without actually reading the comic.
As with all Archie stories involving him or any of the sub-characters, the cover is always misleading. It has to be, otherwise why would anyone read the comic at all? Mostly the cover involves variations of the following scenarios: Archie looking at girls, Jughead eating, Moose being dumb, Dilton being smart, Reggie being a dick, etc., etc. Pretty boring shit, but it's that shit that's been popular for over half a century. It's an easy read, and it's pure Americana (Americans like static character stereotypes). But this latest cover shows something we thought would never happen: Archie actually getting married, and not dying from contracting numerous fatal sexually-transmitted infections. But the cover only tells a fraction of the story. Let's see if there's anything else going on.
Who the hell proposes in a jewelry store? Did he just buy a ring and then give it to her? This choice of location reeks of Veronica's own agenda rearing it's ugly head. Ronnie has always had a substantial amount of control and power over Archie, and it could be that she tricked him into "looking at rings" at the store, then again, tricked him into proposing by doing that thing girls do. You know, when they say, "why don't you pretend that you're proposing to your future wife?" Then the girls claim they were the actual target, and your proposal is tantamount to a verbal contractual agreement. So she may have just fooled him into asking for her hand. That vile temptress! This is just the type of maleovent scheming Veronica's capable of, and she's now putting her diabolical plan into action, stealing away Archie from the safe, soothing shores of Lake Betty. And she's doing it while Betty watches. How cruel a fate is that?
But wait, let's look at this from another angle. Why is Jughead AND Betty watching from a conveniently located window? Jughead was probably just eating in the food court, getting closer and closer to his life-ending diabetes, heart-failure or complete bodily shutdown from all the food he's ingested, but what's Betty doing there? Perhaps she was stalking him, as I figure she would be. Betty seems like a good girl on the outside, but she may be hiding a true malevolent nature. It's been said that the greatest cruelty can come from the kindest heart, and since Betty is the nicest character, she's probably also bat-shit insane. She's been sick of Archie always dumping her for Ronnie, just so he can use her pool and piss off her dad by humping his daughter and breaking household heirlooms. So Betty stalks him, with the thought that one day, he'll be all hers. "We'll always be together", she says, "and if I can't have him, then no one will!" Classic Fatal Attraction-type dementia. Archie's probably caught on to this behaviour, and since calls to the cops have solved nothing, nor have any restraining orders, he's resorted to one last move before Betty kills him - he'll get married. That should shut Betty up for good, right? I see this story ending in a lot of people dead.
And then there's Jughead. He didn't really chase girls, and I always thought he was gay, so this proposal shouldn't bother him.
So how does this story end? It probably ends with Archie waking up in a cold sweat, thanking the sweet Lord that it was all a dream. He kisses his black book and his box of condoms, and gets back to work, seducing and bedding the impressionable young women of Riverdale. Archie's kind of a whore.
2 comments:
Great post, chum. I would put money on Archie ultimately not choosing. 'Cause why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? And where is Cheryl Blossom in all of this to creat a ginger-fueled upset? Wasn't her character created specifically so that Archie wouldn't have to choose between Betty and Veronica, thus ensuring more episodes of his stringing along ways?
Someone should tell Archie that Betty and Veronica look the same, just with differing hair colour. Also, I always thought Jughead was a closet homo as well. All the evidence is there; who is he kidding?
Cheryl Blossom? True, she was written to be a bit of a shit-disturber, but since she had a new boyfriend written for her, she's fairly irrelevent. That is, unless she still has some feelings for Arch. But she's also just another spoiled rich kid, and ultimately, I don't see Archie getting with her. Hell, she's not even from Riverdale.
And hey, do you remember when Veronica dyed her hair blonde? Archie was fucking confused, but seriously turned on.
Jughead's could be just gay for food, but I think he's more asexual than anything else.
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