Even the most basic of film watcher, the type that finds Legally Blonde to be highly engrossing entertainment, knows that The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, out last Friday, is the continuation of the franchise trilogy. The current movie has once again thrust viewers into a fantasy pirate world, and has also added yet another notch to this series' claim on the longest, most pointless movie titles possible. Pirates is basically neck-and-neck with Tomb Raider, both movie franchises built upon entities of great fanfare, but differ in their relative focus on female memories. Seriously though, do we need eight or nine words in the title? Couldn't they just have titled it "Depp's Eyeliner" or something?
In any event, I have just come home from viewing said middle child of the trilogy, and I can honestly say that I did enjoy it. Seriously! Me! Enjoyed it! It had action, adventure, romance, big scary things (as far as Disney goes), and huge blowey-up stuff. Everything that gives Jerry Bruckheimer horny feelings, to which he promptly blows up (you should hear stories about when he and Michael Bay get together for lunch. Oh you haven't? That's because those stories have been blown up). There's just something irritating about middle stories though, because you can't just waltz in without seeing the first, and nothing really gets resolved. However, it does lead to imaginative plot developments. Mine has Capt. Jack Sparrow opening up a bunch of Joey's Only Fish & Chips. But these ones are awesome.
I can't help one feeling, though, and it's an obvious one. This multi-bajillion dollar franchise is still just based on a fucking Disneyland ride. A ride. Made into a movie. That's grossed a box-office total equal to Oprah-like proportions. I remember the ride fairly well, even though I was only six when I went to Dizneeland. I was scared shitless, especially when I witnessed the pour soul being lowered into the well. I have issues with that, alright? Now, at that tender age, would I believe that almost exactly twenty years later, we'd have TWO films and awaiting a third, based solely on a boat ride consisting of animatronic pirates? Hell no, but I was six. I believed that my hand-puppet dog played with my toys when I was out of the room.
My point is this: If someone out there can make a film out of that, what's to stop anyone from making a movie along the same lines? Therefore, I give you Calaway Park: Secret Of The Log Ride. For those of you who don't know or care, Calaway Park is a Hanna-Barbara theme park just west of Calgary. Also, it kicks major ass! At least, it did when I was five. The Flintstones are here in all their glory, and some other minor characters (points if you can name one other than Snagglepuss or Yogi Bear). So many great memories are made and kept regarding this park, and it's so odd, because really, it's not the most awe-inspiring theme park out there. Therefore, making a movie about it should be a pants-wettingly spectacular idea! Here's the plot: an archeologist (who may or may not be swashbuckling, but is definitely dark and mysterious)has always been interested in clues left behind over time regarding some kind of treasure or something. Since childhood, he has been told of treasure left behind since the beginning of time! He has come across a map to a new, mysterious land called "Calaway" to retrieve an ancient, powerful artifact: The Flint Stone.
The Flint Stone is part of a great legend that supposedly enables the bearer to connect with aliens, or control the thoughts of man, or propel a car with his/her feet. Of course, he is not alone. He has a sexy assistant (who eventually will have an agenda of her own), to which he once dated, but it didn't work out. On their journey, they fight evil doers, come across ancient magic, reveal truths about themselves and make out a little bit, but stop due to some jarring event (like a bad guy popping out of the background yelling "Arrgh!"). There's also some stupid tie-in with Burger King or something, with a new product revealed (the Dinoburger, or equally as retarded). Some people die, some are believed to die, but return, and there's a twist, like John Goodman comes out and threatens to sue.
As for the climax and conclusion, I leave that up to anyone. How will this tale end? Am I only talking to myself? If anyone does come up with an ending, one caveat. No Rick Moranis. Not one bit. And no Rosie O'Donnell either. I want this movie to be as far away from The Flintstone movies as possible. Which means it won't be a colossal embarrassment! Ha!
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