Rhymes With Tyler: Everything I Learned In Life, I Learned From PBS

PBS. The Public Broadcasting System. In 1969, America was strife with protests, demonstrations, and other public displays of autonomic thought. Nixon's government could see that it was losing its control on the thoughts and behaviours of the younger generation. To counteract this, the administration commissioned a private study, known only as "The Nanny Commission". It was found that parenting should be not be up to parents, but instead up to whimsical, educational television programs funded by individual televison stations across the country, secretly run by government agents and "viewers like you". The result: millions of children that have learned proper morals and ethics and ultimately became incredibly boring.

I consider myself one of these children, although the boring element has eluded me (prove me wrong, people!). Although I am a staunch Canadian, this bastion of American television, with it's annual pledge drive (begging), has instilled in me the knowledge and confidence a young man needs in his developmental years. Although at times we disagreed (my fanatical desire to have the letter 'u' in words like 'colour' and 'favour' led to many objects thrown at the screen), I came away with almost no homicidal cravings whatsoever. Let's now look at the highlights of what I learned from the shows and applied to everyday life.

MATH: Square One Television

Square One was comprised of small sketches that introduced and applied concepts like counting, combinatorics, vulgar fractions, and other math shit. What I learned is this:

- If you are wearing a Michigan Wolverines helmet, and make a math mistake, a tornado named "Mr. Glitch" will destroy you. I was great in math because of this until Grade 10, when I lost the helmet.
- Real cops carry calculators.
- If you ever say "oops" while making a math error, the Hindenburg crashes again.
- Harry Blackstone Jr. may be a great magician, but "math magic"? Here's where I learned what "retarded" meant.

GEOGRAPHY: Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?

I learned more about the world and cheesy acapella music from this show than any other of its kind. Most importantly, I learned that American kids were pretty stupid. Harp on the USA's xenophobic tendencies from time to time, but damn kids, learn something, anything about other countries than your own. While you're at it, learn some things about your own country too. I'm surprised these kids even knew where they slept. Here's what else I took away:

- Monuments can actually be stolen. And
you can retrieve them. I tried to steal Mount Rushmore once, but someone had
found it, and then had a warrant, in that order
- Dying informants never actually die. They just
pretend to die, which puts them in a perfect situation to give more information.
- 9 out of 10 kids will always choose Disneyland or Disneyworld after winning a free trip anywhere in North America. The 1 out of 10 kid? He/she chooses Bangkor, Maine. I will never understand why.
- The guy in your acapella group with the mullet? Gay.

Art/Painting: The Joy Of Painting With Bob Ross

No explanation necessary. I learned that every living thing, and even some inanimate objects need a little friend. Right about there. Anywhere you want it. That's nice.