The most recent Something Awful post has me thinking about the state of the internet consumer market these days, both in Canada and the U.S. Mostly, it's got me thinking "Who are the fucktards who buys some of the shit found on the web?!" The 'net have given us a great tool for connecting the world simply through the click of a button, but it's also given us an seemingly infinite amount of products that really shouldn't see the light of day, or any part of the day for that matter. By just searching around for a bit, you can find the most baseless, inane, unfunny, retarded and sappy garbage out there for purchase. Oh, and they're useless. Utterly, utterly useless. One website of note, and one that was featured on Something Awful, is the What On Earth Catalog. The items for sale here, are they collector's items? No, they're not. Joke gifts? Sadly, the jokes on the recipient, who no doubt will lash out with a flurry of face punches if they open up one of these cheap turds.
No, these little malignant tumors are for a few types of people: those who are so removed from regular society that they no longer understand the nature of "normalcy" and how it relates to material items, those who take some kind of sick pride in finding the most obscure and irrelevant item in order to proclaim that an item is "so rare, it's cool" (but in reality, it's so rare because it's idiotic), and those very speical types of people who are simply out of their fucking minds.
Now, I have to remark that my birthday is approaching with great speed. If anyone out there were to even think of purchasing any of these "gifts" either as a twisted joke or some perverted idea of irony, I'm just going to snap on them. As I perused the What On Earth website, I noticed that not only are the items aesthetically challenged, and just plain stupid, but the company's attempts at clever, marketable item descriptions are almost pure literary gold.
First off, is this montrosity, The Boyfriend Arm Pillow:
Description: "Never curl up on the couch alone again, with this comforting arm that wraps around you as if to say, "I'm sorry work was rotten today," or "No, you pick what we watch tonight," all the stuff you'd never hear from a real boyfriend. Polyester filled with comfortable, snuggly foam."
I'm going to let Josh Boruff from Something Awful give you the 411 on this "item":
"If I were to walk into a lady friend's domicile and find an arm attached to half a torso that she uses for cuddling, I would immediately run away in terror. In much the same way a man having 1/5 of a fake woman to cuddle with would be extremely disturbing and downright perverted, the scenario is no better when gender roles are reversed. In fact, dare I say it's even a little weirder? At least with guys you pretty much know they are capable of high levels of inspired perversion and ingenuity when it comes to combating loneliness. There is simply nothing sane or rational about snuggling up to a chunk of severed muppet. Worse, you couldn't even cheat your way into a high occupancy vehicle lane with this, unless maybe you bought 4 or 5 of them and stitched them together and then stuffed them into an adult tie-dye outfit. "
Enough said. Now, on to the next affront to good taste, another item for the "stay at home and dream about celebrity stalking" girl, the Fluffy Pink Boxing Gloves:
Description: "Sock it to him, one kittycat-soft punch at a time. These playful punching gloves are ultra puffy and fluffy, with "Tough" and "Chick" embroidered on the elastic cuffs. Super fun for goofing around, or wear them to rev up your home kickboxing routine."
Unless you're a girl who has an unhealthy obsession with the colour pink (and I know that there are some), I cannot imagine any girl with even a slim thread of self-respect buying these for themselves or someone else. These gloves are pretty much relegated to gay strip clubs and really cruel stagettes.
It's not all for the ladies, though. I'm sure there are a few basement-dwelling albino males out there who would get a kick out of this next item. Do you like "Monty Python and The Holy Grail?" Afraid of women? Then the Monty Python Black Knight Helmet is for you!
Description: "The first line to memorize: "None shall pass." The last: "All right, we'll call it a draw." You know the rest. A hilarious way to blow off some steam at work (how about wearing it to that next big meeting?) or for while watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail.'"
If anyone were to wear this at work, I'm sure they'd find that a) they've been fired and b) they've had their ass kicked, two times over. The only person wearing this is hidden away in the back room of the local board/card game store, and they're in the middle of a 72-hour long game of magic cards. They also smell like old jugs of milk.
Next, an item I could probably wear at the next family reunion, if only to feel like I've accomplished anything, the Graduate Hat:
Description: "Trade in that mortar board for an innovative advertising campaign; you're a proud graduate and available for hire!"
This is almost as stupid as it gets. I can only see this hat given away to people "graduating" from Special Education. And I'm sure that they don't even want to wear it.
I'm sure that some of my friends know my attitude towards insane dog/cat lovers. You know, the types of people who consider their pet(s) to be akin to a son or daughter? They dress them up, talk to them in babytalk, and let them sit on their laps while driving. These people are pretty much dead to me. However, that doesn't mean they can't be fashionable! Here's the Dog/Cat Hairs Sweatsuit!
Description: "For any dog-lover, it goes without saying, but now you can improve the fashion sense of the rest of the world."
Please note the immense irony in that statement. "Improve the fashion sense of the rest of the world." Apparently, the rest of the world wears a suit made out of garbage bags.
Lastly, an item that no depressed, low-self esteem person can live without: The I Rule Bowl.
Description: "What a way to start the day: vivid colors, sincere complements, carbs. Each of these bright, cheery bowls is handpainted with positive feedback around the rim and in the bottom."
Yep, it's the perfect item to make me feel better when I'm 40, alone and having yet another bowl of putrid Frosted Flakes, wondering what happened to all the good years, and what the best way to kill myself would be. I'll probably just drown myself in this colourful, fun bowl.
3 comments:
that graduate hat is kind of funny.
in addition to my previous comment, those cereal bowls are alright, but I would rather have mirrors on the bottom of the bowls so I can see myself after I drink the milk.
The Graduate Hat would be such a great addition to any interview. Bringing your degree in is so tacky, with the hat, the employer will totally see that you mean business.
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