Rudy: Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!
Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!
- Bachelor Party (1984)
Now, that's how a bachelor party/stag party should be done. I will be witness to a stag party tomorrow for one of my best good buddy, Jason M. Now, there are opportunities for great shenanigans, but I think it's lacking in some vital areas. The organizer of tomorrow's party just needed to do a little research. All he had to do was pop in the DVD, or for historical merits' sake, the VHS, of Bachelor Party, with Tom Hanks and Tawney Kitaen. What he would have witnessed is the correct way, and really, the only way to properly celebrate our friend's departure from normal society, and into what I call, "The No Fun Zone".
I label it "The No Fun Zone", because after you, the bachelor, get married, what fun are you really going to have? Sure, you might have a little bit of fun with your wife somewhere down the line picking beans at the farmer's market, but what about the great times and fantastically stupid memories that you and your buddies are capable of producing, even on the worst of days? Gone, my friend, gone. No more stupidity for stupidity's sake, no more drunken dials, no more yelling, pantsing, "whoo!-ing", punching, farting, belching, bare ass-waving adventures. Why? Because if you do have any of these, the keeper of sex, i.e., your wife, will withold. And then you're fucked, at least until you bring her flowers, build her a garden, or whatever.
Therefore, since you've committed yourself to this penitentiary of predictibility, this detention of dullness, you have but one chance to redeem yourself in front of your pals. The bachelor party. Your last moment of singledom (unfortunately our boy Jay hasn't tasted the single life since he was 17, but this lesson can be applied globally), your last days of autonomy should be executed to the fullest extent. You have to have fun one more time, before having fun is something you need permission for, and can only be done if you don't "have some chores" to do that day.
Look, I'm not a complainer, or a wet blanket or anything, and I do realize that some effort went into organizing this event. I'm just being realistic, and unless TV and film have lied to me, there should be some sort of "revered passing" of the single torch, and that torch should be used to blow shit up. Metaphorically, of course. There should be booze, hilarious hijinks, acting stupid for photographs, acting stupid and complaining that a camera didn't catch it, more booze, perhaps some little people, mooning/flashing older people, etc., etc. Most of all, there should probably be female nudity somewhere along the trip. Maybe the sight of nudity that's not his fiance might be distasteful to our boy, but what about the rest of the guys? A stag party at a strip club, or one that has booked a stripper is ten times the amount of fun one dude would have on his own. Just look at the assholes who frequent the peelers. Do they look like they're having a good time? No, because they're hiding from something, probably their wife, kids, or their extremely ugly face. Oh, and they're also perverts. However, when you see a stag party with strippers, they're always having a good time, not too mention getting most of it on tape (for blackmail). Sure, the majority of stags that actually get strippers are mostly douchebags, but their intentions are noble, and their dreams of sleeping with those strippers...are extremely sad.
So what then is the most viable option for a bachelor party? How can a party look fun and memorable, without becoming greasy and pathetic? Let's take a cue from Tom Hanks and his merry men. Watch the film. Study the film.
Then turn this:
Into this:
That's just fucking rad. This weekend, let's do it, and let's do it awesome. I want to see dumptrucks of awesome dropping their payload onto our party. And then I want to swim in that sea of awesome, because that's what parties are for.
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