Pointless Nostalgia, Part Deux

"It's all about helping kids!"

Or so says the intro to one of the greatest, if not shortest lived, cartoons of the early nineties: ProStars.

This is another one for the "used to get up at 5:30 AM for Saturday cartoons" set. As Retro Junk and Wikipedia note, this was supposed to air on ESPN, but was shipped to NBC instead, as part of their new lineup of awesomeness, which also included Super Mario Brothers. Airing from 1991-1992, the show centers on Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky doing what they do best, which isn't playing their respective sports and earning bajillions of dollars, but instead fighting crime and helping children, often protecting the environment as well. Doesn't that just beat all? Of course, it's all for the kids. Jordan and Gretz are fathers, and I'll assume good ones, and Bo Jackson really did it for the kids, when his electronic image starred in the NES football game, Tecmo Super Bowl, which retarded kids might still play. Back then, Bo was "... the most lethal football player -- in video game history!" because he must have killed somebody in the game, or something.

The show was a hit (with me), because it was mind-blowing to see my favourite athletes accomplish some superhuman feats of derring-do and utilize wacky gadgets. Also, child protection seems noble. No other athletes, during that time, and maybe even today could tackle these issues:

The ProStars battle the evil Gargantus and his gang of thugs to stop them from tormenting a remote Australian town.

The ProStars must travel to Scotland to save a community from the terrifying ghost riders!

Here's the visuals. The opening credits for this powerhouse cartoon:

This confirms what I thought all along: that our best athletes lived in lockers. It makes sense considering that anytime I saw them interviewed on TV, they were always in front of lockers. And those lockers had their names on them. Think about it.

Also, I don't know what a "slam shot" is, but it ain't a hockey term. This is what you get when American producers latch on to a hockey legend in his prime, and try to glamourize the sport they most likely know nothing about. Slap shot wasn't powerful enough, plus it didn't include one of the inane 90's buzzwords seen at the start. "Hot", "cold" (which is it?), "jammin", "slammin" (oh, those rhyme - how clever). These terms were seen on millions of pre-schoolers and elementry kids sweat pants and shirts. Even I had basketball-themed pajamas that had a net and a ball, and were surrounded by awesome phrases like "slam dunk!", "super!" and "basketball!" I really liked those pajamas, but the tag scratched annoyingly against my ass. Note to future parents: unless you want your son/daughter to walk around with a hole in the ass of their pajamas, don't let them near the scissors.

The ProStars inspired an entire year's worth of kids to become better people. And, with most cartoons, had a namesake cereal. Sweet, sweet, tooth-decaying cereal. Sometimes with prizes.