The Moustache: Why You're Powerless Against It

Lately, I've been thinking about facial hair, and whether or not I should make a spirited attempt at growing some. I have already mastered the art of not shaving, but that only puts me on par with every homeless person out there, including the women - gross. I've never had a full-on, honest-to-God moustache, or anything that someone would find the least bit respectable.

I have a bit of a problem with bald spots, notably in two large circles on either side of my chin. This sort of fucks up any handlebar action, and it depresses me. I once had a chin-only goatee, but it was pretty disgusting. Even I hated it, but I thought that if I kept it for just long enough, then the bald spots would see the error of their ways and get with the program. No dice. Thanks bald spots, I had to look like a douchebag for a whole summer. That didn't help with the ladies at all, who either took one look at it and ran, or tried to pull it off in an attempt to get me to snap out of my state of douchebaggery, much like touching Indiana Jones with fire in Temple Of Doom.

In order to find the perfect moustache for me, I have collected images of a select few, noted for their emission of pure animal ferocity, or their seemingly endless drippings of unbridled male power, or the fact that if the moustache ever cut loose from the face, it would no doubt take over a small country.

Rance Mulliniks

If God played 3rd base (and even shortstop from time to time), he'd be Rance, and he'd have one of the best 'staches in the bigs. Rance's handle emulates pure power draining from his soul, and out his nose. His power is running over his lips, and any woman who graces that pucker will feel only the raw emotion that a utility player-turned-colour commentator can emit. Also, I think his glasses are pretty cool. Since I'm retired from baseball though, I don't think this one's for me.


John Oates

Mr. Oates (pictured here with a less talented woman), has a moustache that every woman wants to nuzzle against, and every man wants to make a photocopy of, and place in their bathroom as a guide. He's got that expression that drives the girls wild, and their "kiss is on his lips". John knows what a "rich girl" wants, and knows what a "maneater" needs. Curly hair. Everywhere. I don't play any instruments, so I don't think I'll be sporting this one.


Ravishing Rick Rude (aka Richard Rood)

Rick Rude's moustache power was so overwhelming and overpowering, that most women could be heard to describe it as "a rude awakening...of sex!" Rick's combination of permed mullet and super soup-strainer seems to project just the right amount of masculinity, and the oiled-up body doesn't seem to hurt anyone. Oh, but Rick's passed-on, so I guess it did hurt a little. I would go for this, but I don't have any oil other than olive oil, and that would just be weird. Plus, I think those pants are actually a body tattoo.

Carl Weathers

I suppose if I find myself boxing a little bit, or maybe if the CIA's got me pushing up too many pencils, and I need to battle a super alien in a tropical setting, I would definitely need this moustache. This moustache made Carl Weathers into the man. THE MAN. This guy was Action Jackson, for fuck's sake. And he was on Street Justice. He's carried a gun, but he also had real backup: his moustache. Carl Weathers keeps it real, so the only way to copy his moustache is to race him on the beach, wearing short shorts. I don't do that, so no go on this one.

Powers Boothe.

Powers Fucking Boothe. This is it. This is the one.

Powers Boothe could easily stare you to death, if he wishes it, and he'd do it with such unbridled electricity, you'd almost believe that you've been stared down by an angel. A growling, sneering angel. He is the ultimate authority on the moustache. His moustache weighs an incredible 47 pounds, and all of those pounds have been deep-fried in awesome. That moustache could level a mountain, or make sweet love to a woman, depending on what song woke him up in the morning. I only wish I could have a moustache as efficient. This moustache gets the job done, and makes fun of you for being lazy. And you were sick that day! Incredible.

So there you have it. Powers Boothe's moustache puts everyone else to the pits of shame and despair, except for Rick Rude's, but only because he's dead (but I have a feeling that even his buried moustache is feeling kind of low).

If you have a moustache suggestion, please let me know! Maybe this sweetheart? Or this tiger-like powerhouse?