Vanity Fair Uncovers Babynapping Ring

It's the newest secret Hollywood craze, right up there with the Beach Sand Diet, and dressing up like a homeless person and washing car windows at intersections, claiming it's research for a film (that's your story, right Whoopie Goldberg?).

It's Babynapping, and it's sweeping the plastic nation. Celebrity couples, in the belief that a child will lend some credibility to their "of the moment" relationships, or perhaps get them the Mom or Dad role in the latest Frankie Muniz film, are roaming the Hollywood hills and the neon streets of New York in a frantic search for the perfect baby. After approaching the respective parent or parents of the child, they offer to pay a reasonable amount for the little sprout for the use of it for a year or so. When the parents refuse (naturally), then the celebrity couple goes to work. With the paparazzi close by, one of the power duo will create a diversion by simply walking away from his or her companion, thus giving the media scrum the idea that the relationship is over because of some issue (cheating/too much distance/not enough distance/one's an alien, etc.).

Once the press are scrambling to relay this shocking development to their respective rags, the other celeb will snatch the baby and transfer it to one of their bodyguards, thus perpetrating a perfect "which cup is the ball under?" manoeuver. This process has been working to perfection lately, creating a bumper crop of celebrity couples with newborns.

However, Vanity Fair, a magazine nobody reads, except for that issue with Demi Moore naked on the cover, has recently uncovered this heinous crime of celebrity excess. In their recent issue, their crack team of photojournalists and lackeys who get coffee snagged a photo of Tom Cruise stuffing a young baby into his jacket. The picture also shows Katie Holmes smiling deviously at the day's catch, and clinging close to Tom's jacket, which is likely made of Scientology-brainwashed cows and broken dreams.

They've also made an attempt at disguising the child, with a baby toupee of some sort. It seems they've taken this fake commercial literally:



Of course, when you take a fake commercial literally, you're a retard. Luckily for the baby, it was returned to its proper parents, now assured of a normal life free of pre-teen drug binges and permanent sunglass wearing. Tom and Katie have been freed on bail, and are loose once again. If you see Tom and Katie in your neighborhood, hide your children and educate them on the dangers of becoming a "celebrity child of the moment".